Deaf, Dumb, and Blind: A POTO Parody
by Crystal Oblivion Phantasy
Summary: Imagine this... the Phantom is deaf, Christine is a dumb... witch... and Raoul is blind! All crazy sorts of stuff, especially the characters themselves! Rated M for language ONLY! Reviews are MUCH APPRECIATED!
1. That’s Illumination!

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of POTO, but this sketchy plotline and these words (well, some of them, anyway).**

CRYSTAL: Okay, here it goes… First Phan-Fic--well, on this site. Let me introduce you to a friend of mine, who will be ranting with me in the beginning of all my stories and chapters… Geoff. Say hi, Geoff.

GEOFF: Hey.

CRYSTAL: Okay, are you ready to criticize me?

GEOFF: That depends.

CRYSTAL: On?

GEOFF: How bad your story is.

CRYSTAL: Gee… thanks.

GEOFF: You're welcome. ;)

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_**DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND: A POTO PARODY**_

**CHAPTER 1: That's Illumination! -- "_Prologue_" to "_Overture_"**

JOEL (_To everyone on the set._)

Yo, bitches! Let's kick this shindig off the tracks!

ANDREW

What?

JOEL

Let's hit this thing into gear!

ANDREW

Huh?

JOEL

Just start rolling the fucking film!

ANDREW

Well, why didn't you just say that to begin with?

JOEL

Where the hell is everyone? Raoul! Madame Giry! Get on the fucking set, NOW!

(_Raoul comes stumbling in and falls by Joel's feet._)

RAOUL

I'm sorry, Joel. There was some idiot in my way who wouldn't move.

(_Raoul gets up and dusts himself off._)

JOEL

Where?

RAOUL

By the door.

(_Raoul points to the door, where Joel and Andrew both look, only to realize that "some idiot" is actually one of the foundation posts of the set. They both give the same exact look suggesting: "You fucking dumb-ass" to Raoul, who notices._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

What?

ANDREW

You stupid, blind bastard.

(_Andrew walks away._)

JOEL

Places! Where the hell is Giry?

MADAME GIRY

Your posture is absolutely outrageous, Monsieur Schulmacher! Straighten up, at once!

(_Joel straightens up, but then realizes what the hell he's doing and goes back to his normal stance._)

JOEL

Wait a freakin' second there, Giry. I'M the director, you feel me?

MADAME GIRY (_Inhaling_.)

I suppose so, Monsieur.

JOEL

Great. Places, everybody!

MADAME GIRY (_Under her breath._)

Trust me, I'd LIKE to feel you…

(_She smirks and walks away to her spot across from Raoul, while Joel looks a little disturbed._)

JOEL (_Aside._)

Maybe… when you're NOT wearing the old lady prosthetics. (_Aloud._) Okay, are we ready NOW?

(_Everyone nods._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

Fan-fucking-tabulous! Ready? Quiet on the set!

(_Suddenly, Joel hears giggling._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

I said quiet, you fucking whore-bag!

CREW GIRL

Bastard!

JOEL

Thank you! Rolling… and action!

AUCTIONEER

SOLD. Your number, sir? Thank you. (_Pauses._) Lot 663, then, ladies and gentlemen: a poster for this house's production of _Hannibal_ by Chalumeau.

PORTER

Showing here.

AUCTIONEER (_Speaks extremely fast._)

Do I have ten francs? Five then. Five I am bid. Six, seven. Against you, sir, seven. Eight? Eight once. Selling twice. SOLD… (_slows down_) to Monsieur Deferre. Thank you very much, sir. Lot 664--

(_Porter interrupts him to whisper something in his ear._)

AUCTIONEER (_CONT'D_.)

--I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but I have just been informed that Lot 664: the wooden pistol and three human heads, has been put on reserve for… pirates?

(_Porter nods; Auctioneer just continues._)

AUCTIONEER (_CONT'D._)

Anyway, Lot 665, ladies and gentlemen: a papier-mâché musical box in the shape of a barrel-organ. Attached--

MADAME GIRY

Don't care, I want it.

AUCTIONEER

Uh, okay. Fifteen francs, thank y--

RAOUL

Uh, no, it's mine.

AUCTIONEER

Yes, twenty from you, sir, thank--

MADAME GIRY

I claimed it first. Besides, it's not like you'd have the pleasure of looking at it. You can't see it.

AUCTIONEER

Twenty-five on my left, thank you, M--

RAOUL

Did anyone ask you? I don't think so. I want it!

AUCTIONEER

--onsieur… (_Pauses._) Thirty-five?

(_Madame Giry grunts and huffs, looking away from Raoul._)

AUCTIONEER (_Goes really slow, looking from Raoul to Madame Giry. CONT'D._)

Selling at thirty francs, then. Thirty once, thirty twice… SOLD for thirty francs to the Vicomte de "Changy."

RAOUL

It's Chagny, you dumb-ass!

AUCTIONEER

Uh, thank you, sir… sorry, sir.

RAOUL (_Thinks in head._)

_A collector's piece indeed… every detail exactly as she said… will you still play, when all the rest of us are--_

AUCTIONEER

Lot 666, then--

RAOUL (_Aloud._)

Hey! I'm not done thinking yet!

AUCTIONEER

Oh, uh… sorry again. Go ahead.

RAOUL (_Thinks in head._)

_--dead…?_

AUCTIONEER

Okay, then.

MADAME GIRY (_To Raoul._)

Interesting of you to think of death at Lot 666, dear Vicomte.

RAOUL

Yeah… Hey, wait a second! You could hear what I was thinking?

AUCTIONEER (_Trying to ignore them._)

Lot 6--

RAOUL

Hey, stay out of my thoughts, Giry!

AUCTIONEER (_Still trying._)

Lot--

MADAME GIRY

Why? I like to be in them.

(_She gives Raoul a coy, but creepy, suggestive smile. Raoul gets freaked out by this._)

RAOUL

GAAH!

AUCTIONEER (_Still trying…_)

Lot 6--

PORTER (_Raising his hand slightly._)

Uh, I heard them, too.

RAOUL

Oh, God…

MADAME GIRY

Hey! They're my thoughts to be in!

AUCTIONEER

LOT 666, THEN!

(_Everyone silences_.)

AUCTIONEER (_CONT'D._)

Thank you… is a chandelier in pieces. Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the Opera--

RAOUL

Hey! I remember that! I was there!

MADAME GIRY

So was I, stupid.

AUCTIONEER (_Ignoring them._)

--a mystery never fully explained.

RAOUL

I'll say.

MADAME GIRY

I'll bet you would, "Changy."

RAOUL

You know what, Giry? I've had just about enough of you!

AUCTIONEER

SHUT UP!

(_Everyone stops._)

AUCTIONEER (_CONT'D._)

Thank you! Anyway, we are told, (_sarcastically_) ladies and gentlemen… that this is the very chandelier which figures in the famous disaster. Our workshops have repaired it and wired parts of it for the new electric light. Perhaps we can frighten away the ghost of so many years ago… with a little illumination.

(_Madame Giry is just about to speak, when…_)

AUCTIONEER (_CONT'D._)

Madame, one more word out of you, and I'll bitch-slap you straight to Calais.

(_Madame Giry purses her lips together. Raoul begins to snicker within earshot of her._)

RAOUL (_Under his breath, sing-songy._)

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…

AUCTIONEER

Same goes for you… Vicomte.

(_Raoul shuts up and Madame Giry smirks in his direction._)

AUCTIONEER (_Exhales. CONT'D_)

Gentlemen?

(_The men flip the switch--but nothing happens. Everyone looks around, completely baffled, except Joel, extremely annoyed, who gets up from his chair and goes over to the separated plugs on the floor._)

JOEL

You fucking whack-jobs.

(_Joel picks up the plugs and nods to the Auctioneer._)

AUCTIONEER

Uh… gentlemen?

(_Joel plugs the switches together, igniting the huge chandelier with a gigantic flash of light and the sound of the thunderous organ overture begins. A gust of wind takes over and we are taken back into the past… and into COLOR!_)

JOEL

Wow… I didn't know we could do that.

RAOUL

Now, THAT'S what I call "illumination"!

(_Raoul looks at himself… realizing, not only that he is not old anymore, but that he is in color, too!_)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

Hey! I'm not black and white anymore! (_Thinks._) Wait… I was black and white?

MADAME GIRY

You might as well have been purple and orange; you wouldn't have been able to see anyway, Bat-Boy.

RAOUL

Bite me, Giry…

MADAME GIRY (_Snickers._)

Don't tempt me.

RAOUL (_Freaked out._)

I'm not THAT blind, you know!

MADAME GIRY

Heh, heh… riiight…

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A/N: I know, it makes no sense! Perfect for FanFiction-Land! If you thought it was a boring start, I guarantee you, it'll get better! I promise! If you haven't already figured it out, lines--(_not blocking, A.K.A.: movement in the parentheses_)--written in italics are lyrics sung and anything underlined is emphasized. The phrase "_thinks in head_" means the lines said are the person's thoughts, the phrase "_thinks_" means the person in the action of thinking--just wanted to clarify that. Please review--constructive criticism is always good! But please, don't tell me I suck… "that's all I ask of you…" Hehe, I'm done.

Cheers.


	2. Don't Look Up, Carlotta

CRYSTAL: Okay, so what did you think of the first chapter? Be gentle…

GEOFF: I can't.

CRYSTAL: You can't… what?

GEOFF: I can't tell you.

CRYSTAL: Why not?

GEOFF: I haven't read enough of it.

CRYSTAL: What?

GEOFF: I need to read more before I can make a valid judgment.

CRYSTAL: Are you serious?

GEOFF: Yes! I want to read! Now, write, bitch, write!

CRYSTAL: Kiss my ass.

GEOFF: I can see this is the start of a beautiful relationship… ;)

CRYSTAL: Idiot…

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**CHAPTER 2: Don't Look Up, Carlotta -- "_Hannibal_" to "_Think of Me_"**

(_"_Overture_" has ended._)

JOEL

Enough! Next scene!

(_Joel looks around, but doesn't see anyone. He is about to spaz._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

Where is…

(_He turns around and all of a sudden, everyone is there._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

…everyone? Get in your places!

(_Everyone disperses to their positions. Joel sits back down in his chair, Andrew by his side._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

Okay, then! Ready, Carlotta?

CARLOTTA (_Enters, shyly._)

Uh, yes?

(_Some stagehand hands her the head prop she needs. When she looks at it, she SCREAMS._)

JOEL

Good. And… action!

CARLOTTA (_Nervously, sings, though not as high in key as she should be._)

_This… tro-o-o…phy, uh, from our, um, saviours--_

ANDREW

Higher, Carlotta!

CARLOTTA (_Still nervous, slightly higher in pitch._)

_--from our sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-aviours-a… from the enslaving force… of Rome!_

(_The other dancers come out, but it's all in mass chaos. Everyone is tripping, falling, and smashing into one another. So much for five weeks of rehearsal on THIS goddamn scene alone…_)

GIRLS' CHORUS (_Off-key and all jumbled up._)

_With feasting and dancing and song, tonight in celebration, we greet the victorious thong--_uh,_ throng, returned to bring salvation!_

(_Joel slaps a hand over his eyes, Andrew slaps his hands over his ears, and Carlotta claps her hand over her mouth in shock. Heh, today's a good day for evil…_)

MEN'S CHORUS (_Just as bad as the women._)

_The trumpets of Carthage resound! Hear, Romans, now and tremble!_

(_Andrew, still with his hands tightly over his ears._)

ANDREW

Stop! Stop! Stop! I can't take the madness anymore!

JOEL

Yes! I agree!

(_Joel finally removes his hands from his eyes._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

I've trembled enough for one day… Uh, let's skip to Reyer! Go!

(_Ubaldo Piangi comes rushing onto the set, fixing the suspenders over his armour holding up his costume, and his helmet falling off his head._)

PIANGI

Wait! Hold on! I didn't get to do my solo!

(_Andrew begins massaging his temples with his fingers._)

ANDREW (_Dryly._)

"So-lo" we can't hear you?

PIANGI (_Embarrassedly._)

Uh… no…?

JOEL

Reyer! Your line, please, and… action!

REYER (_In the orchestration pit_.)

Er, gentlemen, gentlemen--

(_Lefevre, Firmin, and Andre enter on the stage._)

LEFEVRE (_Interrupting, extremely paranoid, stuttering._)

Th-Th-This way. Uh, rehearsals are… well, you know.

REYER (_With obvious feminine sass._)

Uh, Monsieur Lefevre! Can't you see, I am, like, REHEARSING?

LEFEVRE

Uh, M-M-Monsieur R-Reyer, M-M-Madame G-G-G-G--

(_Madame Giry walks up to Lefevre and slaps him across the face._)

MADAME GIRY

Giry, man! Just spit it out!

LEFEVRE

S-S-Sorry, M-Madame Giry. Uh, l-ladies and g-gentlemen, thank you--may I have your at-t-t-t--

(_Madame Giry threatens to slap him again and he finishes up quickly._)

LEFEVRE (_CONT'D._)

--TENTION?

(_As everyone turns their attention to him, he straightens up and takes a deep breath._)

LEFEVRE (_CONT'D._)

Okay, long story s-short. (_Very fast._) I'm retiring, the rumors: true, new managers: Firmin, Andre, first names are unimportant, fortune in the junk business--

ANDRE (_Interrupts._)

Actually, it's--

LEFEVRE (_Continues, ignoring._)

--no one cares, welcome to the "Popera Opulaire"--

ANDRE (_Interrupts._)

But I thought--

LEFEVRE (_Continues, ignoring._)

--shut up. Any of you don't like it: tough shit, don't care--deal with it. We done? Good. Hi, okay, thanks, BYE!

(_Just as Lefevre is about to dash off, Firmin grabs his shoulder._)

FIRMIN

Monsieur, why exactly are you retiring?

LEFEVRE (_Looks around, paranoid, lying._)

Uh… my… health.

(_He takes off, straight for the exit._)

FIRMIN (_Calling to him._)

Where can we find you if we need you?

LEFEVRE (_Calling back._)

I'm not saying!

(_Lefevre finally reaches the exit and leaves. Madame Giry walks up to Firmin and Andre._)

MADAME GIRY

Australia.

(_Both men nod slowly._)

ANDRE

Well, that was… interesting.

FIRMIN (_To everyone._)

Anyway, we are deeply honoured to introduce our new patron.

ANDRE (_To everyone._)

Yes, the Vicomte de "Changy"!

RAOUL (_Enters, not happy about how his name was pronounced, yet again._)

Not "Changy," it's--

(_However, he walks blind-sightedly--literally--into Carlotta, knocking her to the floor._)

CARLOTTA (_Yells._)

Ahhh!

(_Raoul goes to help her, squinting his eyes to try to get a good look at her._)

RAOUL

--Christine?

CARLOTTA

No, Monsieur, my name is Carlotta Giudicelli.

RAOUL

Oh, sorry.

(_He helps her up and politely kisses her hand, Carlotta blushing._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

Nice to meet you. (_They smile at each other._)

ANDRE (_Interrupts, confused._)

It's the Vicomte de "Christine"?

RAOUL (_Groans._)

No! And it's not "Changy" either! It's Chagny! The Vicomte de Chagny! RAOUL DE CHAGNY! (_Realizes he startled Carlotta a bit._) Sorry again.

(_Carlotta just smiles again, Raoul smiling back. Christine and Meg finally enter and see Raoul._)

CHRISTINE

Oh, my God… it's Raoul! I knew I heard his voice!

MEG

And he's with… Carlotta!

(_Christine's eyes spring open at the sight of them smiling at each other._)

CHRISTINE (_Gasps._)

Carlotta, you back-stabbing, man-stealing whore, get your hands OFF MY MAN!

(_Carlotta suddenly becomes sad and toddles off with tears forming in her eyes. Piangi walks up to Raoul._)

PIANGI (_In disgust._)

Yeah!

(_Piangi walks off to find Carlotta and leaves Raoul feeling a little confused._)

MEG (_To Christine._)

Who is he?

CHRISTINE

Didn't you pay attention at all? Honestly, Meg, you're blonder than Jessica Simpson.

MEG (_Clueless._)

Who?

(_Christine gives Meg a "You are a stupid idiot" look, but just shakes her head and points Meg's head towards Raoul._)

CHRISTINE

THAT is Raoul de "Changy."

MEG (_Trying to move her jaw within Christine's grasp._)

I thought it was Chagny.

CHRISTINE (_Lets go of Meg's head._)

Look, who's telling this story, huh?

MEG (_Backs down._)

You are, Christine.

CHRISTINE

Thank you! Anyway, before my daddy died, yada-yada-yada… he had a thing for me…

MEG (_Confused and creeped out._)

Your dad?

CHRISTINE (_Flips out!_)

NO! You sick, little, incest-minded freak! I meant Raoul!

MEG (_Takes a HUGE sigh of relief._)

OH!

CHRISTINE

Anyway… RAOUL had a thing for me… (_Smiles at the thought._) He called me "Little Lotte."

(_Meg just looks at Christine in confusion._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

I know, it makes no sense… the stupid, blind bastard.

MEG

Oh, but Christine… he's so handsome!

CHRISTINE

I know that. That's why he's mine, so step off, bitch!

MEG

I'm sorry, Christine.

CHRISTINE

Oh, it's okay, Meg. But just for future reference, if I so much as catch you anywhere NEAR Raoul… you're dead. Got it? (_Meg nods, nervously._) Good. Same goes for "La Carlotta." That bitch has stolen everything of mine: my followers, my worshippers, my admirers, my enemies, my diva-ship… I'll be damned if she steals Raoul from me, too.

MEG

She won't, Christine, trust me. You are so much better than she is.

CHRISTINE

I know, but that doesn't mean she won't get her "up-come-ance."

MEG

Christine, isn't it comeuppance?

CHRISTINE

Meg, shut up! I'm not finished!

MEG (_Feeling small._)

Yes, Christine.

CHRISTINE

I am getting this role, you'll see, Meg. You'll see.

RAOUL (_From across the room._)

Who'll see?

CHRISTINE (_Rolls her eyes._)

Not you! You can't even freaking recognize me!

MEG

He didn't see you.

CHRISTINE

OBVIOUSLY!

(_Christine and Meg walk away to begin warming up for their dance rehearsal._)

RAOUL (_To Reyer._)

My apologies, Monsieur. I'll let you return to your rehearsal.

REYER

Well, whoop-day-freaking-do, thank you!

(_Raoul pauses a moment, a little disturbed and confused, then just leaves._)

REYER (_CONT'D._)

Signora Giudicelli, Signor Piangi?

CARLOTTA (_Reentering, dreamy-eyed._)

He love me… He love me…

PIANGI (_Following her._)

No, Carlotta! I do!

MADAME GIRY (_To Firmin._)

Monsieur, allow me to show you around. (_Firmin and Andre follow her._) We take particular pride in the excellence of our ballets, Messieurs. (_Suddenly, becomes vicious to several of the ballet girls._) Get your damn feet higher in the air! No laughing, more emotion! For Christ's sake, this is not church!

(_Madame Giry walks up to one girl, who, apparently, is not listening to her--still smiling and laughing--and slaps her straight across the face._)

MADAME GIRY (_CONT'D._)

I said, "No laughing, more emotion!" (_The girl starts to cry._) Exactly! Now, go dance! (_The girl, still crying, begins to dance._)

ANDRE

I, uh, see why… Especially that little blonde angel? (_Snickers and grins._)

MADAME GIRY

Ah, that is Meg. You like her, no?

ANDRE (_Lasciviously._)

Oh, yes…

MADAME GIRY (_Suddenly, becomes angry and vicious again._)

That is my daughter, you asshole!

(_Andre looks scarred._)

FIRMIN (_Changing the subject to Christine._)

And that exceptional beauty? No relation, I trust? (_To himself._) I hope…

MADAME GIRY

What, are you saying that she's prettier than me?

FIRMIN

Uh, no, Madame! Uh, just that she is, uh… exceptional?

MADAME GIRY

That is Christine Daae. Promising talent, Monsieur Firmin, very promising.

ANDRE

Daae, did you say? No relation to the Swedish violinist?

FIRMIN

Or the same notorious Christine Daae known for being a bitch-on-wheels?

ANDRE (_To Firmin._)

Don't forget "dumb as a blonde door-nail"!

MADAME GIRY

One in the same, Messieurs. His only child… orphaned at seven when she came to live and train in the ballet dormitories…

FIRMIN (_Salivating._)

An orphan, you say?

MADAME GIRY

What happened to "bitch-on-wheels," Monsieur? Besides, I think of her as a daughter also.

FIRMIN (_Under his breath._)

Damn it.

MADAME GIRY

Wonderful girl, she is.

(_Christine is rehearsing with the other ballet girls, until another girl knocks into her._)

CHRISTINE

Watch it! Get out of my way!

MADAME GIRY (_Smiles, then…_)

Gentlemen, if you would kindly move your asses out of the way?

(_The ballet continues, still, basically, out of control. Joel and Andrew are still racking their brains about the horrid five weeks they've dealt with this scene… and it still not being right. Carlotta is almost run over by the humungous, life-size, mechanical elephant replica. Piangi is hoisted into the air and Carlotta panics that he might fall on her. Her singing is quiet and nervous. The chorus is still horrible, with the exception of Carlotta, who is the only person singing the right notes, but hardly audible._)

CHORUS

_The trumpeting elephants sound--hear, Romans, now and tremble!_

ANDREW

Carlotta, higher! And louder!

CHORUS (_Carlotta takes up her pitch and volume._)

_Hark to their step on the ground--hear the drums!_

ANDREW

LOUDER!

CHORUS (_With her most effort, Carlotta winds up screaming her last note._)

_Hannibal comes!_

JOEL

Great!

ANDREW

Thank God!

JOEL

Keep going!

REYER

Carlotta, my diva, my dear… you HAVE to sing louder!

ANDREW (_Quietly._)

I could've told you THAT.

CARLOTTA

I'm sorry, Monsieur. I will try harder next time.

REYER

You'd better… because there IS no other next time! I don't have time to retrain your lazy, little-girly, diva, Italian ass before tonight's gala performance! So, don't even go there, girlfriend, uh-uh! (_Waving his baton around. Carlotta looks a little hurt._)

ANDRE (_Interrupts._)

Monsieur Reyer… isn't there a rather marvelous aria for Elissa in Act Three of _Hannibal_? Perhaps the Signora…

CARLOTTA (_Sweetly._)

Si, if my managers command.

(_Firmin and Andre both nod to Reyer to give her a second chance._)

REYER (_Sighs, dramatically._)

If my diva commands…

CARLOTTA (_Nods eagerly._)

Yes, I do.

(_Carlotta's maid hands her throat spray to her. She sprays herself and hands it back._)

REYER

Signora?

CARLOTTA (_Nods to him and smiles._)

Maestro.

(_The music begins. Christine is watching Carlotta, smiling evilly._)

CHRISTINE (_Under her breath._)

Don't look up, Carlotta.

CARLOTTA

_Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while--please promise me you'll try._

(_Christine waits in anticipation as Carlotta continues. Suddenly, there is a shadow on the rafters above._)

CARLOTTA (_CONT'D._)

_When you find, that once again you long to take your heart back and be free…_

(_Suddenly, Meg screams and a backdrop gives way and falls, streaming towards Carlotta. It misses her head, but lands on top of her, knocking her to the floor._)

CHRISTINE (_Whispers._)

Damn it! Oh, well.

(_Carlotta freaks and screams, crying. Piangi, the managers, and the performers go to help her, while Christine tries to hold back snickers, Meg attempting to imitate her, but feeling sorry for Carlotta._)

PIANGI (_Panic-stricken._)

Idiot! Oh, my God, Signora… (_To performers._) Lift it up! Lift it up!

MEG (_To Christine._)

He's here… the Phantom of the Opera.

CHRISTINE (_Furiously._)

How did you know? (_Thinks, rephrasing, suspiciously._) I mean… how would you know?

FIRMIN (_To Carlotta._)

Signora! Are you alright?

PIANGI

Buquet! What the fuck is going on up there, man?

(_Buquet has had a little too much to drink this particular night and is dancing around maniacally with a black cape._)

BUQUET

He, he, he, he, he, you can't see me! Why? Because I'm…

(_He pulls out a Punjab lasso from underneath the cape and reveals a mask on his face._)

BUQUET (_Doing a bad rendition of "_The Phantom of the Opera" _number, CONT'D._)

…_DA! Da, da, da, da, da--the Phantom of the Opera!_

(_Everyone stares at him in silence. In the meantime, Madame Giry has found an envelope, not from Buquet, with a red-wax skull emblem and retrieves it._)

MADAME GIRY

Joe, the booze is in the medicine cabinet, next to the aspirin. Go fetch.

BUQUET (_Alert._)

Is it a new bottle?

MADAME GIRY (_Smiles._)

Brand-y new.

BUQUET

Thanks, Giry!

(_Buquet runs off to find his liquor, while onstage, Carlotta is still crying. Piangi is trying to comfort her and helps her stand. Andre is still a little confused by what happened with Buquet, but progresses._)

ANDRE (_To Carlotta._)

Signora, these things do happen…

CARLOTTA (_Through sobs._)

For the past three years these things do happen. And no one's tried to stop them. Someone wants to kill me, and I can tell you, as crazy as he is, it's NOT Joseph Buquet!

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head._)

That's for damn sure, heh.

CARLOTTA (_Breaks down._)

I can't take this anymore! I'm leaving.

CHRISTINE (_Under her breath._)

Yes! It's about time!

FIRMIN & ANDRE

No! Signora, please!

PIANGI

No. Unless you stop these things from happening to La Carlotta…

CHRISTINE (_To Meg, mockingly._)

"La Carlotta"… (_Meg laughs._)

PIANGI

…she will not be singing. Bye-bye, now. (_To Carlotta, still crying._) Come on, Carlotta.

(_Piangi escorts her out with her maid._)

ANDRE (_To Reyer._)

They will be coming back, won't they?

REYER

How the freaking hell should I know? I'M just the maestro! (_Does a hair flip… kind of disturbing._)

MADAME GIRY (_To Firmin and Andre._)

Messieurs, I have a message from the Opera Ghost.

FIRMIN

Buquet?

MADAME GIRY

No, jackass, the real one.

ANDRE

There's a real ghost? Is he like Casper? I love him. _Casper, the friendly ghost, the friendliest ghost you know…_

(_Everyone stares at him… crickets begin to chirp. Chirp, chirp… Chirp, chirp…_)

ANDRE (_Now embarrassed, CONT'D._)

Okay, I'll shut up now. Continue, Madame.

MADAME GIRY

He welcomes you to his opera house--

FIRMIN

"HIS opera house"?

MADAME GIRY

--and commands that you continue to leave Box Five--not Box Four, not Box Six--Box Five empty for his use and reminds you that his salary is due.

FIRMIN

"Salary"? What in hell do you mean by "HIS salary"?

MADAME GIRY

Monsieur Lefevre used to give him twenty thousand francs a month--240,000 per annum. (_Speculates, thinks in head._) That's my kind of ghost…

FIRMIN

Twenty thousand francs?

MADAME GIRY

Would you stop repeating everything I say? I already know what has come out of my mouth… (_Quietly._) I could only say as much for what I'd like to go in it. (_Smiles suggestively._)

ANDRE (_Confused._)

Uh…

MADAME GIRY

But, oui, Monsieur, twenty thousand. And I would hope that the Ghost doesn't find out you have the Vicomte as your new patron, Messieurs. He might charge you more. (_Thinks in head._) He is some businessman… I LIKE it.

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head, from across the room. Madame Giry hears._)

Don't even THINK about it, Madame… and I mean it.

FIRMIN (_To Madame Giry._)

Madame, I had hoped to make that announcement public tonight when the Vicomte was to join us for the gala! But obviously, we shall now have to cancel, as it appears we have lost our star! (_Turns to Andre._) A full house, Andre. We shall have to refund a full house!

(_Christine walks over to Madame Giry and nudges her._)

MADAME GIRY

Christine Daae could sing it, sir.

ANDRE

What, a chorus girl? Don't be silly.

CHRISTINE (_Freaks out._)

"A chorus girl"? I'll show you "a chorus girl," little man!

(_Christine goes to attack Andre, but Madame Giry and Meg hold her back. Andre cowers behind the much taller Firmin._)

MEG

Christine!

MADAME GIRY

Calm down, you psychopath!

(_Christine quiets and fixes herself up._)

MADAME GIRY (_To Firmin and Andre, CONT'D._)

She has been taking lessons from a great teacher.

ANDRE (_From behind Firmin._)

Who?

CHRISTINE (_Proudly, yet so stupidly._)

The Phantom of the Opera--take THAT!

(_Christine realizes what she just said when everyone stares at her, especially Madame Giry, and tries to cover it up._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

I mean, uh, I don't know his name… Monsieur.

MADAME GIRY (_To Christine._)

Stupid. (_Christine frowns at her, who sighs._) Let her sing for you, Monsieur. She has been well taught.

ANDRE

All right. (_Coming out from behind Firmin, to Christine._) Come on, don't be shy…

CHRISTINE

Who're you calling shy, shorty?

REYER

From the beginning of the aria then, please, mam'selle. And get your ass moving would you?

CHRISTINE

Hold your horses, I'm coming!

(_Christine moves downstage a little. The music starts._)

FIRMIN

Andre, this is doing nothing for my nerves.

MADAME GIRY

Then may I suggest you join Buquet in the medicine cabinet?

ANDRE (_To Firmin._)

She's very pretty…

CHRISTINE (_Upon hearing this…_)

Really?

(_Andre nods, followed by Firmin, who both encourage her to pay attention to the music._)

ANDREW

Please, Christine, I'm begging you, get this right…

JOEL

Likewise.

REYER

SHH! (_They all stop._)

CHRISTINE

_Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while--please promise me you'll try._

(_Christine looks to Madame Giry, Meg, Firmin, and Andre, who all begin to smile, then to Reyer, who also smiles. Other performers and stagehands come out from the wings, listening to her voice. When this happens, Christine realizes she's finally gotten what she's always wanted--EVERYONE'S FULL ATTENTION--and smiles herself, giving in to her performance._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_When you find that once again, you long to take your heart back and be free, if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me…_

(_Suddenly, we move around her and she is magically changed into a stunning white dress and sparkling diamond star barrettes in her hair. It is now night, the gala performance; the lighting has changed, the flaming stage lights flickering, and the house is packed, boxes and all._)

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head, CONT'D._)

Wow, that was awesome. Hey, look at me! I'm all pretty! And look at all the people in the--oh, shit. (_Aloud._) _We never said our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea--but if you can still remember, stop and think of me… Think of all the things we've shared and seen--don't think about the way things might have been… Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned. Imagine me trying too hard to put you from my mind. Recall those days, look back on all those times, think of the things we'll never do. There will never be a day when I won't think of you…_

(_We are transported to the depths of the Opera Populaire--through a vent in the floor, a crack in the wall, down a few levels--and we see a shadow look up…_)

PHANTOM

Damn it, Christine! Sing louder! I can barely hear you from down here! I would've been able to, if SOMEONE hadn't taken MY BOX!

(_The audience applauds. We now see Raoul in Box Five! He is squinting his eyes._)

RAOUL

_Can it be? Can it be Christine?_

CHRISTINE

Well, duh, idiot! (_To herself._) Now he notices…

RAOUL (_Leaping up._)

Bravo! (_He proceeds to exit the box._)

CHRISTINE

Where're you going? I'm not done yet! (_Sighs, to herself._) Blind asshole.

RAOUL (_Exiting the box._)

_Long ago, it seems so long ago--_

(_He sees a shadow hiding in the midst._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

Hey, Giry.

(_Madame Giry is a little staggered that RAOUL could see her in the shadows._)

MADAME GIRY

How did you know it was me?

RAOUL

You're a stalker… what can I say?

(_He continues walking, down a flight of steps._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

_--how young and innocent we were. She may not remember me--_

CHRISTINE (_From the stage._)

Hey, I DID! YOU DIDN'T!

RAOUL

Sorry_--but I remember her._

CHRISTINE

Yeah, NOW, maybe…

(_Raoul misses a step and falls flat on his face._)

RAOUL

Ow!

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head._)

…idiot. (_Aloud._) _Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade. They have their seasons. So do we. But please promise me that sometimes you will think… _(_Cadenza, starts low-key._)

PHANTOM (_Still beneath the Opera Populaire._)

Christine, what have I told you about projection? I still can't hear you, damn it!

(_Christine, a little irritated by this, finishes her cadenza, hitting the highest note of all of them as LOUD as she can--shattering glass can be heard._)

CHRISTINE

…_of me!_

(_The audience applauds ecstatically, although several people with observing glasses and eyeglasses can now not see her. Nevertheless, they applaud._)

PHANTOM (_Sighs._)

Back to the dry-erase teaching board… (_Exits._)

JOEL

Great and cut! Run it, print it! Melissa!

MELISSA--(_Joel's assistant._)

Yes, Joel?

JOEL

Get me a double café mocha latte--EXTRA CAFFEINE!

MELISSA

Yes, Joel. (_Leaves._)

JOEL

Thanks, babe, peace out. (_Sighs._) I'm going to need it… (_To the crew staff._) Are you guys printing the film yet?

CREW GUY

We're on it now, Joel.

JOEL

Great.

ANDREW (_Smacking his head with his sheet music._)

Joel, are you sure you REALLY want to print this?

JOEL

Yes, Andy… I'm abso-fucking-lutely sure. Go prep for the next scene.

ANDREW (_Stops hitting himself, sighs._)

Sure, Joel.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A/N: Okay, I know, long chapter--but hey, Geoff said he wanted to read… so he got it! Hehe, the caffeine fix was for my deluded friends out there… Anyway, didja like it? Drop me a review please! Much appreciated! (Oh, and Geoff says hi.) Next chapter's coming up soon! AHH! CLIFFHANGERS!

Cheers.


	3. Damn Mirror!

CRYSTAL: Okay, now that you've read TWO full chapters, have you come up with a verdict or am I still in holding?

GEOFF: Eh… it's all right.

CRYSTAL: "It's all right?" What do you mean by, "It's all right?"

GEOFF: Honestly, I don't really care much for musicals, I'm not really partial to love-stories, and… I don't really like _Phantom_.

CRYSTAL: (_Goes completely wide-eyed and gasps, gaping._) BLASPHEMY!

GEOFF: (_Nervous._) Uh-oh…

CRYSTAL: You bet your damn ass, "Uh-oh!"

GEOFF: Crystal--

CRYSTAL: Uh-uh. I'm going to make it my mission that by the end of this 10-chapter story, you will LOVE _Phantom_! By God, you'll love musicals, you'll love love-stories, and, Heaven help me, you will **_LOVE_** _The Phantom of the Opera_!

GEOFF: Now, I'm scared. (_Shudders._)

CRYSTAL: You SHOULD be scared… you DAMN WELL should be… ON WITH THE CHAPTER!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

**CHAPTER 3: Damn Mirror! -- "_Angel of Music_" to "_The Mirror (Angel of Music)_"**

MELISSA (_Enters with Joel's coffee._)

Here's your double café mocha latte, Joel.

JOEL

Thank you, Melissa. Flower-power all the way, girl!

(_Melissa walks away, slowly, but surely, and leaves. Joel takes a sip of this latte and sighs._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

Okay, bitches! Let's continue, shall we? Andre, from your line! Action!

ANDRE (_To Christine._)

Brava! Magnifica!

FIRMIN (_To Christine._)

Bravo!

ANDRE

Stupenda!

CHRISTINE (_Looks up to the box._)

Did you just call me stupid?

JOEL

Yes, Christine. Now, keep going!

(_Carlotta's maid reports Christine's triumph to her and Piangi in the carriage outside and Carlotta begins to cry profusely. Piangi tries to console her, but she slaps him. Backstage, the audience is crowding to find Christine, Raoul among them. Along the way, he mistakes several people for her, yet again._)

RAOUL

Christine?

WOMAN

No.

RAOUL

Christine?

MEG (_Remembering what Christine had threatened her._)

No! (_Runs away._)

RAOUL (_Confusion hits him, but dissipates._)

Christine?

MAN

Yes?

(_Raoul squints his eyes and notices--IT'S A MAN! Raoul freaks!_)

RAOUL

AHH! (_Calms down._) Uh, sorry. Wrong… Christine. (_Hurries away._)

(_Meanwhile, Meg has gone to find Christine--where others have failed to look--in the chapel. Wow… a chapel in an opera house… that's interesting. Anyway, in the chapel, Christine is by a picture of her father and a small piece of paper saying: "Gustave Daae--DEAD, circa 1861." She has lit a candle in his honour and is kneeling, her eyes closed._)

CHRISTINE

Ohm… Ohm… Ohm…

PHANTOM (_Off-stage._)

_Brava, brava, bravissima…_

CHRISTINE (_Continues._)

Ohm… Ohm… Oh--

PHANTOM

Christine, what the fuck are you doing?

CHRISTINE (_Opens her eyes._)

I'm meditating! Do you mind?

PHANTOM

…Sorry.

CHRISTINE (_Closes her eyes again, continues._)

Ohm… Ohm… O--

MEG (_In the hall._)

_Christine… Christine…_

CHRISTINE

Oh, my God, what now? Can't a girl meditate with the spirit of her dead father in a chapel in PEACE?

MEG (_Entering the chapel, timidly._)

Sorry.

PHANTOM

_Christine…_

CHRISTINE

ENOUGH!

PHANTOM

Okay, geez… sorry.

CHRISTINE (_To Meg._)

Now, what did you want?

MEG (_Enthusiastic._)

_Where in the world have you been hiding?_

CHRISTINE

Right here, stupid.

MEG

Oh… _Really you were perfect!_

CHRISTINE

I know. Your point is?

MEG (_Thinks._)

_I only wish I knew your secret!_

CHRISTINE (_Suspiciously._)

What secret?

MEG (_Continues._)

_Who is your great tutor?_

CHRISTINE

Oh… that. Meg… (_Stares blank-mindedly._) Uh, Meg… uh… (_whispers_) …what's my line?

JOEL

Oh, for fuck's sake, Christine! How many times do we have to go over your damn lines?

CHRISTINE

Hey, it's only the first time!

JOEL

On camera.

(_Christine rolls her eyes and looks affronted._)

JOEL (_CONT'D._)

Now, get it right! You line is: "Meg… When your mother brought me here to live…" And action!

CHRISTINE

Meg… When your mother brought me here to live… (_Thinks._) Wait, this shit wasn't here before!

JOEL

Just say the fucking lines, Christine!

CHRISTINE

OKAY! (_Half-assed-ly._) Meg… When your mother brought me here to live… Whenever I would come here alone to light a candle for my dad--

JOEL

Father!

CHRISTINE

Shut up! (_To Meg, continues._) A voice from above…

MEG

God?

CHRISTINE

Would you people let ME talk? (_Continues._) And in my dreams… he was always there.

MEG

Is he a stalker?

CHRISTINE

No, but your mother is.

MADAME GIRY (_In the shadows._)

No I'm not! (_Walks past them and out of the chapel._)

CHRISTINE (_Rolls her eyes and continues._)

You see… When my father lay dying…

MEG (_Shocked._)

He's dead?

CHRISTINE (_Stares at Meg._)

You stupid bitch. And stop interrupting me! Anyway… (_Continues._) …he told me I would be protected by an Angel… an Angel of Music…

(_Meg waits a moment, not sure if Christine is going to continue._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

I'm done.

MEG

Okay, just making sure. Christine… do you believe? Do you think the spirit of your father is coaching you…?

CHRISTINE

No, dummy, it's the Pha--(_Thinks that over._)--I mean, who else, Meg? WHO…?

MEG

I don't know, that's why I asked you.

CHRISTINE (_Distracted, intent on not paying any attention to Meg._)

_Father once spoke of an angel… I used to dream he'd appear… Now, as I sing, I can sense him… and I know he's here…_

MEG (_Nervous._)

Where?

CHRISTINE (_Trance-like._)

_Here in this room he calls me softly… somewhere inside… hiding…_

MEG (_Now paranoid._)

No, seriously, WHERE?

CHRISTINE (_Ignoring her, still in her trance._)

_Somehow, I know he's always with me… He--the unseen genius…_

(_Half laughing, half paranoid beyond belief now, Meg takes Christine's hand and begins leading her out of the chapel._)

MEG

_Christine, you must have been dreaming. Stories like this can't come true… Christine, you're talking in riddles and it's not like you…_

(_Suddenly, they both mysteriously wind up down the corridor, actually out on the stage._)

CHRISTINE (_Still not hearing Meg, ecstatic._)

_Angel of music! Guide and guardian! Grant to me your glory!_

MEG

_Who is this angel? This…_

CHRISTINE & MEG

_Angel of music! Hide no longer! Secret and strange angel…_

CHRISTINE (_Darkly, CONT'D._)

_He's with me even now…_

MEG (_Looking around._)

Okay, seriously now, where? (_Bewildered._) Christine! _Your hands are cold…_

CHRISTINE

_All around me_…

MEG (_Confused._)

Seriously? (_Notices._) _Your face, Christine, it's white…_

CHRISTINE

_It frightens me…_

MEG

Your face?

CHRISTINE

No!

MEG

Oh, then, what?

CHRISTINE

I don't know.

MEG

Oh. _Don't be frightened…_

BUQUET (_In the rafters, still "dressed" as the Phantom._)

Hey, Christine! Looking good, hot-stuff! (_Growls._)

CHRISTINE (_Giggles._)

Thanks, Joey! Cute cape!

BUQUET (_Smiles._)

Thanks! It's a rental!

MEG (_To Christine._)

Okay, let's go.

BUQUET

Okay!

MEG

Not you! (_Leaves with Christine._)

BUQUET

Aw! I'm always left out of the group! (_Sighs._) Oh, well. I'll just go play Punjab with the ballet girls in their dormitories… Hehe, naughty little ballet girls… (_Snickers evilly, then rushes off._)

(_Meanwhile, Madame Giry has found Christine, bustling her way through her admiring crowd._)

MADAME GIRY

There you are!

CHRISTINE (_Startled._)

Ahhh! Stalker! (_As-a-matter-of-factly._) Stalking is illegal in all fifty states--you know that, right?

MADAME GIRY

This is France, you stupid girl.

CHRISTINE

Oh… well, I'm moving to America, then! I want my freedom!

GEORGE BUSH (_Enters out of nowhere._)

What freedom?

MADAME GIRY (_To Christine._)

Just get in the goddamn room, would you? (_Shoves Christine into Carlotta's room._)

GEORGE BUSH

_This land is your land, this land is my land--_hey, where's Kerry?

JOHN KERRY (_Far away, in another country…_)

In America, jackass.

GEORGE BUSH

Then where the fuck am I?

MADAME GIRY

Paris, France, you jack-off!

GEORGE BUSH

Oh, wow. You don't, by any chance, happen to have any weapons of mass destruction, do you?

MADAME GIRY

What? Do I look like I have an arsenal up my ass?

GEORGE BUSH (_Looks at her and thinks._)

Well…

MADAME GIRY

Get out of here!

(_She shoves him out of the way and enters Carlotta's room._)

GEORGE BUSH (_From the floor._)

_This land will surely vote for me!_

MADAME GIRY (_In the room with Christine._)

You did very well, my dear. He is pleased with you.

(_Madame Giry hands Christine a single red rose with a black ribbon, obviously from HIM._)

CHRISTINE

That's it? One stinking, measly rose, after working my ass off?

MADAME GIRY

Hey, he could've Punjab-ed you… (_To herself._) I would have. (_Leaves, exiting the room._)

(_Raoul heads for Carlotta's room--as he knows that's where Christine is--and runs into Firmin and Andre._)

FIRMIN

Ah, Vicomte! I think we've made quite a discovery with Miss Daae!

RAOUL

Hey, I saw her first!

MADAME GIRY (_As she walks by, passing Raoul._)

Riiight…

RAOUL (_Seething._)

Giry…

ANDRE

Perhaps we could present her to you, dear Vicomte.

RAOUL

Gentlemen, if you wouldn't mind. I believe Miss Daae and I are old enough that we don't need two creepy old guys for chaperones.

(_Firmin and Andre are still; Raoul notices the bouquet of flowers Firmin is holding and takes them from._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

But thank you. (_Leaves them to enter the room._)

FIRMIN (_To Andre._)

Do you think they've met before?

ANDRE

Who knows? I don't. Ooh! Look at those two lovely dancers!

FIRMIN

Let's present ourselves.

ANDRE

Indeed.

(_In Carlotta's room, Raoul enters, Christine not noticing._)

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head._)

I still can't believe it… One fucking rose. Is he kidding me?

RAOUL (_Impressed._)

Wow! Nice! This is your room?

CHRISTINE

Well, it's Carlotta's… but it would have been mine if that heaven-sent bitch hadn't stolen it from me in the first place!

RAOUL (_Suddenly, not impressed anymore and a little nervous._)

Oh. (_Clears throat._) Well, where was I? Oh, yeah… "Little Lotte, let her mind wander…"

CHRISTINE

Huh?

RAOUL

"Little Lotte thought: am I fonder of dolls… or of goblins… or of shoes…"

CHRISTINE

Shoes! (_Turns and sees him._) Raoul… watch your step!

(_Raoul looks down and notices that he almost missed the steps._)

RAOUL

Thanks. (_Chuckles._) "…Or of riddles, or frocks…"

(_Raoul walks down carefully and places the flowers on the vanity… Hm, vanity… how appropriate for Christine._)

CHRISTINE

"Frock"… I hate that word. I prefer "pretty gowns." (_Notices the bouquet of flowers Raoul brought her._) Now, THAT'S what I call "flowers"!

(_Raoul looks at her with a look suggesting: "Are you sure you're not blonde like Meg?" He eventually digresses, though._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Ah, remember those picnics in the attic?

RAOUL

"…Or of chocolates…?"

CHRISTINE

Chocolate!

RAOUL

And yes, I do remember the picnics.

CHRISTINE

Daddy playing that goddamn, annoying violin… You'd think he'd KNOW how to play it…

RAOUL

As we read to each other dark stories of the North…

CHRISTINE

Yeah, those stories scared the hell out of me.

RAOUL

Yeah, I know. (_Chuckles evilly._) That was the best.

CHRISTINE

"No--'What I love best,' Lotte said, 'is when I'm asleep in my bed--'"

RAOUL

Yeah, you always were a sleep-whore.

CHRISTINE

Shut up! (_Continues._) "_And the angel of music sings songs in my head!'_"

RAOUL

Are you serious?

CHRISTINE

Oh, just shut up and sing with me!

RAOUL

Okay.

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

"…_The angel of music sings songs in my head!'_"

RAOUL (_Kneels down and goes to hug her… CONT'D._)

You--(_…but winds up smacking his head against hers._)

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

OW!

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

Sorry about that. (_Gives her a hug, carefully._) You sang like an angel tonight. Heh… (_Both rub their foreheads._)

CHRISTINE

I know. Daddy said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the Angel of Music to you." Well, Daddy is dead, Raoul--

RAOUL (_Shocked._)

He is?

CHRISTINE (_Ignoring him._)

--and I have been visited by the Angel of Music.

RAOUL

Really? Wow. That's awesome… I always thought he was making a joke. (_Christine gapes._) I mean, no doubt of it! Heh… And now, we go to supper!

CHRISTINE

Honestly, who says supper nowadays?

RAOUL

I do! Now, let's go!

(_Raoul gets up and turns, but when Christine speaks, he turns back._)

CHRISTINE (_Firmly._)

No, Raoul; the Angel of Music is very strict!

RAOUL

What, he doesn't let you eat?

CHRISTINE (_Thinks._)

Not with men who have an interest in me, no.

RAOUL

Well, I shan't keep you up late.

CHRISTINE (_To herself._)

"Shan't"… hehe. That's a funny word… (_To Raoul._) I mean, Raoul, no…

(_Raoul starts walking to the door, but has his head turned towards Christine to talk to her…_)

RAOUL

You must change. I'll order my c--ow! (_Trips and falls on his face again, forgetting the stairs._)

CHRISTINE

You have a cow?

RAOUL (_Gets up._)

Carriage.

CHRISTINE

But you just said--

RAOUL

I meant carriage!

CHRISTINE (_Offended by Raoul's tone, retaliates._)

Ever hear of glasses, Sir Trips-a-lot?

RAOUL

I DON'T need glasses! (_Goes towards the door._) My eyesight is perfectly fine!

(_With this, Raoul walks SMACK STRAIGHT into the door, busting his nose._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

Ow.

(_Christine looks at him with a "Who's the blonde now?" look._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

Okay, maybe my eyesight isn't as good as it used to be…

CHRISTINE

…should be…

RAOUL (_Ignoring her._)

…but I do NOT need glasses! I was going to give you five minutes to get ready, but now you're getting two! So, get a move on, Little Lotte! (_Hurries out._)

CHRISTINE

No! Raoul, wait! (_The door closes. Calling after him._) And stop calling me Little Lotte! My name's Christine!

(_Outside the door, she can hear…_)

RAOUL

Stop stalking me, Giry!

MADAME GIRY

I'm NOT stalking you! …This time…

RAOUL

Well, then, who ARE you stalking?

MADAME GIRY (_Pauses._)

…No one…

(_When Christine gets no response back from Raoul, she huffs and goes to get changed in the less-than-two-minutes she has left. In the meantime, a gloved hand on the outside of the room locks it with a key. As the hand moves away, Madame Giry is still by the dressing room, hiding in the shadows._)

PHANTOM

Madame, go away!

(_She huffs away and leaves. Meanwhile, Christine, completely unaware of everything that's just happened, is still changing. Suddenly, all the candles and lights are being blown out by a mysterious breeze inside the opera house that comes from nowhere. Christine finishes, now in her dressing gown, and comes out from behind the dressing screen to see the candles being blown out. She gets a little spooked by this._)

CHRISTINE

Okay… What the fuck was that?

(_When it happens again, she gets freaked out and heads for the door, when all of a sudden, she hears--_)

PHANTOM (_Off-stage._)

_Insolent boy! This slave of fashion, basking in your glory! Ignorant fool! This brave, young suitor, sharing in my triumph!_

CHRISTINE

Wait--are you talking about me or Raoul?

PHANTOM

Are you a boy?

CHRISTINE (_Thinks… Oh, God, she has to think it over…_)

No…

PHANTOM (_Thinks in head._)

Thank God for that! (_Aloud._) Well, then…?

CHRISTINE

It's Raoul. I was about to say… I'm no fool.

PHANTOM (_Thinks in head._)

Well, I wouldn't go THAT far…

CHRISTINE

Hey! I heard that! I'm telekinetic, you know!

PHANTOM (_Aloud._)

It's telepathic, tart-bucket.

CHRISTINE (_Incredulously._)

What did you just call me?

PHANTOM (_With sarcasm, yet in all honesty._)

Sorry, I didn't quite hear that…? Oh, forget it! Just sing, damn it!

CHRISTINE

_Angel! I hear you! Speak--I listen…_

PHANTOM

Good, you can do the listening for both of us, then.

CHRISTINE

Do you want me to sing or not?

PHANTOM

Pray, continue, child.

CHRISTINE

Don't call me that, my daddy called me that! It's icky… well, it is, coming from you anyway. (_Clears throat._) _…Stay by my side, guide me! Angel, my soul was weak--forgive me… Enter at last, Master!_

PHANTOM (_Thinks._)

Master… I like that. (_To Christine._) _Flattering child--_

CHRISTINE

Stop calling me that!

PHANTOM (_Ignoring._)

_--you shall know me, see why in shadow I hide!_

CHRISTINE

Why do you hide?

PHANTOM

Who's interrupting who, now?

CHRISTINE

Sorry, Master.

PHANTOM

That's better.

CHRISTINE (_Interrupting again._)

Angel, I have a question…

PHANTOM (_Groans and sighs._)

Go ahead.

CHRISTINE

Where the hell are you?

PHANTOM

Give me two bars, will you? I'm getting to it! I'd get to it a lot faster if you'd shut up! (_To himself._) For crying out loud, I can't hear her when I WANT to hear her, and I hear her all the time when I DON'T. (_Sighs._) Okay… (_To Christine._) _Look at your face in the mirror--I am there inside!_

(_The mirror brightens, revealing the Phantom inside of it._)

CHRISTINE

Whoa! That's awesome! _Angel of Music! Guide and guardian! Grant to me your glory! Angel of Music, hide no longer! Come to me, strange angel…_

PHANTOM

_I am your Angel of Music… Come to me: Angel of Music…_

(_Raoul has returned. Believing the door is still unlocked, he grabs the door knob and goes to turn it, and winds up slamming into the door again._)

RAOUL

Ow!

(_The idiot--I mean, Raoul tries the knob again--it's locked… DUH! He hears the voices._)

RAOUL (_Puzzled, CONT'D._)

Whose is that voice…? Who is that in there…?

PHANTOM

_I am your Angel of Music…_

RAOUL (_Off-stage._)

Christine! Christine!

PHANTOM (_To Raoul._)

Ha! Who's off-stage now, buddy?

RAOUL (_Still on the outside of the door._)

Goddamn it, WHO IS THAT?

PHANTOM

Heh, heh, you can go away now. Christine will be spending the night with me.

RAOUL (_Gasps._)

SLUT!

PHANTOM

Not like THAT, crack-head! (_To himself._) Although, I wouldn't mind… (_To Raoul._) Anyway, you might as well leave.

RAOUL (_Thinks, then…_)

Okay.

(_Raoul goes to leave, but not before he falls down the stairs… again._)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

OW.

PHANTOM

Ha, ha… Now, where was I? Oh, yes. (_Clears throat; to Christine._) _Come to me: Angel of Music…_

(_Completely spellbound, Christine approaches the mirror, when suddenly--_)

CHRISTINE

Ow!

(_--turns out, she has walked straight into the bloody freaking mirror and hit her head. She is currently sitting on the floor, where she's fallen, rubbing her forehead._)

PHANTOM

You stupid twit, you're supposed to wait until I slide it over! You and your loopy fantasies… (_Slides the mirror over._) NOW come through!

CHRISTINE (_Getting up._)

If you think that one was loopy, wait for my next one… hehe.

PHANTOM (_Confused._)

Uh, sure…

(_And with that, Christine takes the Phantom's hand._)

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head._)

…Damn mirror!

JOEL (_Sighs._)

It's a given.

ANDREW

What?

JOEL

Christine's stupider than she looks…

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A/N: I stole that part where Christine forgets her line from my friend Dezzebel's POTO Phan-Fic… I'M SORRY, HONEY! IT WAS JUST PERFECT FOR THAT PART! Hehe, Raoul… that goddamn klutz… hm, reminds me of… ME! Anyway, the GOOD chapter's coming up next! I HATE CLIFFHANGERS! But since I'm the one writing and not the one reading, it doesn't bother me anymore… MUAHAHAHAHA! You now have to follow me! LOL, j/k. Drop a review and keep a-readin'!

Cheers.


	4. Can You Hear Me Now?

CRYSTAL: Are you still with me, Geoff?

GEOFF: I'm fine.

CRYSTAL: Great, because here's where it gets really good.

GEOFF: (_Peaks interest._) Really?

CRYSTAL: Yeah, and I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Samara.

SAMARA: Hey!

GEOFF: Hi. Uh, so it's supposed to get good here?

CRYSTAL: Don't ask me! Just read!

GEOFF: Wow… now you sound just like that Christine girl.

CRYSTAL: (_Thinks to herself._) "That Christine girl…"

SAMARA: Hehe...

GEOFF: Hey, your name is almost Christine. Crystal, Christine… pretty close.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, and your name is really close to Gerry Butler's: Geoff, Gerry, Geoff, Gerry…

GEOFF: Who?

SAMARA & CRYSTAL: (_Stares at Geoff with the urge to hit him._) You need to be hit in the face… with a fish.

GEOFF: (_Confusion._) Uh… okay?

CRYSTAL: (_Sighs and groans, annoyed._) I'll explain it thoroughly to your thick, little numbskull later… for now, just read.

GEOFF: Okay. (_Reading…_)

SAMARA: Woo-hoo for reading!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

**CHAPTER 4: Can You Hear Me Now? -- "_The Phantom of the Opera_" to "_The Music of the Night_"**

CHRISTINE (_Upon hearing Joel's last comment._)

I heard that!

JOEL

Good, I'm glad!

PHANTOM (_Confused._)

Heard what?

JOEL

Exactly! (_The Phantom stares in bewilderment._) Now, can we continue with the scene, PLEASE?

(_The Phantom begins walking EXTREMELY FAST through the hallway with Christine, practically dragging her by her hand._)

CHRISTINE

Hey, take it easy! Slow down! Give me time to fantasize, for Christ's sake!

PHANTOM (_Stops a moment._)

Oh, sorry. (_Begins leading Christine drastically--and almost "fantasy-like"--sllooowwww_…)

CHRISTINE

That's better. (_Thinks._) Hey, wait a second.

(_They stop. She looks behind her, then ahead of her. She realizes that they've already passed through the entire hallway and are at the top of the enormous, seemingly never-ending staircase._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Hey, something's not right here.

PHANTOM (_Realizing._)

Yeah, I think you're right. Isn't my theme music supposed to be playing? And aren't you supposed to be singing?

CHRISTINE

I don't know. I was talking about your interior design. You need some serious Feng-Shui in here, dude. (_Phantom groans._)

ANDREW

He's right, Joel. Why isn't the music playing?

(_Joel goes to check on the orchestra and finds… they are all asleep._)

JOEL

What the flaming hot dogs? Andrew, your entire orchestra is asleep!

ANDREW (_Enters._)

What the bloody hell? They fell asleep that quick? We just finished "_The Mirror_"! Get up, you sodding assholes!

(_No one moves a muscle--except the guy by the organ, who twitches._)

ANDREW (_CONT'D._)

Grrr! Fine, then. I'll wake you all up another way… (_Walks over to the organ, shoves the other guy off the bench and sits down himself._) Joel?

JOEL (_Screams to Phantom and Christine._)

Go back to the fucking mirror! And Christine, if you forget one more cue, I'm taking the Sharpie markers away from you! FOR GOOD!

CHRISTINE (_Paying no attention._)

_I have been changed--_(_THEN SNAPS!_)--NO! Anything but THAT! (_To Phantom._) Come on, you!

(_And Christine drags the Phantom, like he dragged her, back down to the other side of the hallway by the mirror._)

PHANTOM

Holy bejesus, woman! Slow the fuck down!

CHRISTINE (_Ignoring him._)

I am not losing my markers over your sorry slow ass!

(_They reach the mirror and Christine steps back over to the other side of it, fixing herself up in the reflection, while the Phantom takes a breather. The Phantom recomposes himself and gives Joel the "OKAY."_)

JOEL

Okay, Andy! Hit it!

(_As the Phantom takes Christine's hand… again, Andrew plays the very first chord of the song into the microphone, startling the pure HELL out of the sleeping orchestra members! They jump from their seats, some fall, and while Andrew continues playing, the rest of the group starts joining on their parts, eventually, giving the song a KICK-ASS rock beat: YEAH! Back in the hallway, the Phantom has once again led Christine through the mirror, but this time, she trips when stepping through it._)

CHRISTINE

Ah, fuck! Damn mirror…

(_The Phantom steadies her and continues leading her… SLOWLY. Suddenly…_)

CHRISTINE

Hold on! It's so dark in here, I can't fucking see!

PHANTOM

Hm… now I know how you and that dumb-ass Raoul get along so well.

CHRISTINE

Hey! You shut up or I won't sing! Got it?

JOEL (_Off-stage._)

Sharpie…

CHRISTINE

GODDAMN YOU! (_Groans; to Phantom._) Hold on!

(_She lets go of his hand for a moment and claps her hands twice. Suddenly, the hallway is no longer dark, dank, and disgusting; the hall lights up--bright, extravagant… and clean!--with candelabras held by--Huh?--HUMAN HANDS? The Phantom looks at her in utter confusion._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

What? It's the clapper! _Clap on! Clap off!_

(_Okay, Christine's fantasies are getting a little fucked up…_)

PHANTOM (_Looking around him; quietly._)

Tell me about it.

(_Hey, you can hear me?_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

Why WOULDN'T I be able to?

(_Well, I'M the author… and, wait a minute--YOU'RE deaf._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

…Not completely. Besides, I can hear you through my thoughts… not like (_points to Christine_) HER.

CHRISTINE

Who the fuck are you talking to?

(_Whoa! "Tele-pathetic girl" can't hear me?_)

PHANTOM

YOU can't hear her?

CHRISTINE (_Looks around._)

Hear what?

PHANTOM & CRYSTAL

Nothing.

CHRISTINE

Whatever…

JOEL

Christine, can you hear the Sharpies singing? BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL CAN'T!

CHRISTINE (_Realizing._)

Oh! AHHH! _In sleep, he sang to me._

(_Stupid bitch._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_In dreams, he came…_

(_Hey, I can say whatever I want about her and she can't hear me! She can only subconsciously move when I tell her to!_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_That voice which calls to me--_

(_I could have a lot of fun with this… hehe._)

PHANTOM (_To Crystal._)

I like the way you think. You're smarter than HER.

CHRISTINE (_Hearing this._)

HEY!

(_Hehe, thanks._)

JOEL (_To Christine._)

SHARPIES!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! _--and speaks my name…_

PHANTOM (_To Crystal._)

Watch this. (_To Christine._) _Christine…_

CHRISTINE

What? (_Both Phantom and Crystal laugh. Christine is confused._) Oh… Huh? Never mind. (_Continues._) _And do I dream again?_

(_She's probably dreaming now… Anyway, they finally make it to the staircase again and begin to descend._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_For now I find the Phantom of the Opera is there--inside my mind…_

PHANTOM

If this is your mind, then I want OUT! Anyway… _Sing once again with me our strange duet…_

CHRISTINE

Yeah, this IS pretty creepy.

PHANTOM

YOUR fantasy, remember?

CHRISTINE

Oh, yeah. Hehe.

PHANTOM

_My power over you grows stronger yet…_

CHRISTINE

Since when do you have power over me?

PHANTOM (_Can't hear her._)

What?

CHRISTINE (_Louder._)

Since when have you had power over me?

PHANTOM (_Still can't hear._)

WHAT?

CHRISTINE (_LOUDER._)

SINCE WHEN--Ah, fuck it. Just keep singing.

PHANTOM (_Hearing this._)

Okay.

(_Wait, I thought you were deaf…?_)

PHANTOM (_Quietly, to Crystal, CONT'D._)

Shh… I have selective hearing. I just select not to hear her sometimes.

(_Oh, okay._)

PHANTOM (_Clears throat, CONT'D._)

_And though you turn from me, to glance behind--_

CHRISTINE (_Nervous._)

Why, what's behind me?

PHANTOM (_Sarcastically._)

Your father.

CHRISTINE (_Gasps and turns around--_)

Daddy! (_--but no one's there. Turns back around._) Hey! You lied to me! (_Spots something up ahead; suddenly, a change of thought._) OOH, PONY!

PHANTOM

Yes, now shut up, get on, and let me finish my verse!

CHRISTINE (_Simply._)

Okay.

(_She cheerily gets on the horse… in the middle of fucking nowhere… still on the fucking staircase… WHAT THE FUCK? Is that another part of her retarded imagination?_)

PHANTOM

No. The horse is mine.

(_**Confused**… Why--Oh, never mind! Just… keep going._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

Okay.

(_The Phantom begins leading the horse down the staircase by its reigns. He turns and takes a glance at Christine…_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

Wait a second. How did your hair get down?

CHRISTINE (_Noticing herself._)

Hm. I don't know.

PHANTOM

Okay, then. _--the Phantom of the Opera is there--inside your mind…_ (_To himself._) Even though I don't want to be… it's creepy in there.

(_I'm with you… Anywho, the Phantom finishes leading the horse to the bottom of the staircase, where, waiting, there is a boat docked in a lake. Wow… this just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Hey, wait a flipping pancake! THAT'S a fucking GONDOLA! Pole and all! We're in Paris, France, not fucking Venice, Italy!_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

It's the only one I could find, all right? (_To Christine._) Okay, Christine, off the horse.

CHRISTINE

MY PONY!

PHANTOM

You'll see the pony later. (_Pointing._) Look, a boat.

CHRISTINE

AHHH!

PHANTOM (_To Crystal._)

What's wrong with her?

(_**Sighs, annoyed**… She's afraid of drowning._)

JOEL

Christine, you're not going to fucking drown in three feet of fucking water! Just get in the goddamn boat!

CHRISTINE (_Nervous._)

It's only three feet?

JOEL, ANDREW, PHANTOM, CRYSTAL

YES!

CHRISTINE (_Perky._)

Okay!

(_She FINALLY gets in the goddamn boat and sits patiently and happily. The Phantom gets on and begins taking them down the lake and the caverns… with the pole… in the fucking gondola._)

JOEL & ANDREW

Christine, SING ALREADY!

CHRISTINE

_Those who have seen your face draw back in fear…_

PHANTOM (_Offended._)

Hey! That's mean to say!

CHRISTINE

Sorry… _I am the mask you wear…_

PHANTOM

Oh, yeah? Well, _it's me they hear…_

CHRISTINE

Really? Well, _anything you can do, I can do better!_

PHANTOM

No, _I can do anything better than YOU! _Because_ anything you can do, I can do better!_

CHRISTINE

Uh-uh, _anything you can do, I can do BEST!_

PHANTOM (_Stops rowing._)

Oh, yeah?

CHRISTINE

YEAH!

PHANTOM

Prove it!

CHRISTINE (_Stands up._)

I WILL!

PHANTOM

BRING IT, BITCH!

JOEL & ANDREW (_Severely pissed and crazed._)

JUST SING!

(_Both the Phantom and Christine shut up instantly. Christine quickly sits back down and the Phantom continues to row them down the lake… in the gondola._)

PHANTOM & CHRISTINE

_My / Your spirit and your / my voice, in one combined: the Phantom of the Opera is there--inside your / my mind…_

CREEPY VOCALISTS

_Beware the Phantom of the Opera…_

(_Whoa… that was… creepy. **To Phantom. **They yours?_)

PHANTOM

No. Even I couldn't think of something THAT fucked up.

CHRISTINE

They're mine.

(_Figures…_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_He's there, the Phantom of the Opera…_ (_Confused; to Phantom._) Wait up--Why did you refer to yourself in the third person?

PHANTOM

Because… (_Then, just as confused as Christine…_) …I don't know! Just _sing, my Angel of Music!_

CHRISTINE

Um… okay! (_Brain-lapse._) _Row, row, row your boat, gently down the… _(_looks around and thinks_) _…LAKE!_

PHANTOM (_Just stares blankly straight ahead._)

…Not quite what I had in mind…

JOEL (_Heh, heh… you don't want to know how bad he's pissed now._)

Christine, if you don't sing the right fucking part again--

CHRISTINE

I know, you'll take away my Sharpie markers. (_Confidently._) I'm over that now.

JOEL

No… I'm going to shove you off the fucking boat into the three feet of fucking water and drown you MYSELF!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! _Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah--_Ooh, look at the cool candles coming out of the water… already lit!_--ah…_

(_Another Christine fantasy…_)

PHANTOM

_Sing, my Angel of Music…_ I can't hear you!

CHRISTINE (_Higher in pitch, not louder._)

_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah…_

PHANTOM

_Sing, my angel…_ Christine, louder!

CHRISTINE (_Higher yet AND louder now._)

_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah…_

PHANTOM (_Demandingly._)

_Sing for me!_ LOUDER!

CHRISTINE (_Slightly disturbed._)

Dude, are you getting off on this?

PHANTOM (_Freaked out._)

What? NO! I just can't fucking hear you!

CHRISTINE

Oh, okay. _Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah… Ah…_ Can you hear me now?

PHANTOM

_Sing, my angel._ No. LOUDER!

CHRISTINE

_Ah… Ah…_ Can you hear me now?

PHANTOM

No. _SING FOR ME!_ Goddamn it, Christine! PROJECTION!

CHRISTINE (_Fed up, practically SCREAMING her last note as HIGH and as LOUD as she fucking can!_)

_AH! _(_Song ends… thank God._) Can you hear me NOW? (_Phantom nods, cringing._) Good!

PHANTOM

Just… shut up and stay in the fucking boat.

CHRISTINE

Okay.

(_Gondola…_)

PHANTOM (_To Crystal._)

You really need to let that go…

(_I will… maybe… later… Anyway, the Phantom gets out of the boat--GONDOLA--and puts the pole by the cavern wall. He--OOH…--skillfully whips off his cape and drops it to the ground. Then, he begins walking around his lair._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_I have brought you to the seat of sweet music's throne…_

CHRISTINE

It looks like a cave.

PHANTOM

Would you shut up? You're in my "TRANCE," remember?

CHRISTINE

Hey, YOU don't tell ME what to do!

JOEL

Don't rock the boat, Christine…

CHRISTINE

AHHH! Okay, I'll shut up! (_Quietly._) Just don't take away my Sharpies…

ANDREW

Phantom, continue… PLEASE.

PHANTOM

…_to this kingdom where all must pay homage to music… music… You have come here, for one purpose, and one alone…_

CHRISTINE

What purpose?

PHANTOM

Let me get to it, will you?

JOEL (_Annoyed._)

CHRISTINE…

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (_Slaps her hands over her mouth._)

PHANTOM (_Rolls his eyes._)

_Since the moment I first heard you sing, I have needed you with me, to serve me, to sing, for my music… my music…_

(_The Phantom stares at her, just as Christine stares at him, her hands still fixed on her mouth._)

PHANTOM (_Changing mood; CONT'D._)

_Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation… Darkness stirs and wakes imagination… _(_Thinks in head._) Especially hers. (_Aloud._) _Silently the senses abandon their defenses…_

(_The Phantom holds out his hand to Christine, who just looks back and forth from his face to his hand._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

Do you want me to help you out of the boat or not?

(_…Gondola… Phantom rolls his eyes at me… HEY! Anyway, Christine nods her head and removes her hands from her mouth, taking hold of the Phantom's and being helped out of the gondola._)

PHANTOM (_Sighs, CONT'D._)

Oy…

(_Shut up. Anywho, the Phantom begins leading Christine, in her melodramatic trance again, onto land. FINALLY, it seems everything is going--_)

CHRISTINE

Ow!

(_--I spoke too soon. She just tripped._)

PHANTOM

Oh, for Christ's sake! You just ruined the moment!

CHRISTINE

Hey, maybe if you had some fucking steps here--

JOEL & ANDREW

CHRISTINE…

CHRISTINE

AHHH! Trance, shutting up…

(_The stupid--I mean, Christine goes back to staring at the Phantom dazed, dreamily, and blank-mindedly. Phantom helps her up and begins leading her towards the steps._)

PHANTOM

_Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour…_

(_Yes, I: like using, am using, and WILL use the British spelling of words in my stories!_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_Grasp it, sense it--tremulous and tender…_

(_A peak of light has caught Christine's eye._)

PHANTOM (_Turning Christine's face back towards him, away from the light; CONT'D._)

_Turn your face away from the garish light of day--_

CHRISTINE

"Light of day"? It's freaking nighttime, remember? Not to mention, we're in a fucking cave!

PHANTOM (_Thinks a moment._)

…Shut up!

JOEL

Christine…

CHRISTINE

Hey, you can't threaten me anymore! I'm not in the boat--

(_Gondola._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

--anymore, AND look what I found! (_From out of her cleavage--What the fuck?--she pulls out three fucking Sharpie markers: red, blue, and black._) So, HA!

PHANTOM (_Peaked interest._)

What else do you have down there?

CHRISTINE (_Smirks._)

Wouldn't YOU like to know…

JOEL

I can still come up THERE and push you into the water…

CHRISTINE (_Realizing this…_)

AHHH!

JOEL

So, get back into your fucking trance!

(_Christine looks at the three Sharpie markers in her hand… and smiles._)

CHRISTINE

Okay!

(_She pulls the caps off the markers and takes a HUGE whiff of them, inhaling as far as she can. Suddenly, she goes all dazed and starry-eyed._)

CHRISTINE (_High as the sky, CONT'D._)

Ooh… what a pretty cave!

PHANTOM

Lair.

CHRISTINE

Whatever. Continue.

PHANTOM

_--turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light--_

CHRISTINE

It's cold?

(_She touches a flame of one of the many candles around her and--_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

OW! You lied! That's hot! And I DID feel that!

(_The Phantom grabs her arms and places them at her sides._)

PHANTOM

DON'T… MOVE.

CHRISTINE (_Tamely._)

Okay.

PHANTOM

_--and listen to the music of the night._

CHRISTINE

Hey, isn't that what this song is called?

(_Yes, sadly, folks, she is still in her trance, mind you._)

PHANTOM (_Ignoring Christine's last remark._)

_Close your eyes--_(_Just as Christine is about to close her eyes…_)--Not yet!

CHRISTINE (_Reopens her eyes._)

Okay.

PHANTOM

_--and surrender to your darkest dreams! Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before! Close your eyes--_Okay, now. (_Christine closes her eyes obediently._)_--let your spirit start to soar!_

CHRISTINE (_Opening her eyes._)

Whoa! That was awesome!

(_SAMARA: She's not high… She's in outer fucking space!_)

PHANTOM & CRYSTAL

Tell me about it.

PHANTOM (_To Crystal and Samara; CONT'D._)

At least she's more obedient when she's on a rush.

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: True. CRYSTAL: Continue._)

PHANTOM

_And you'll live as you've never lived before…_

CHRISTINE

Really?

PHANTOM

Yeah.

CHRISTINE

Cool!

(_CRYSTAL: According to the script--and I mean, literally!--it says this part gets, quote: "HIGHLY SEXUAL"… **giggle**_…_ so children under 17, please leave the room immediately. SAMARA: Hey, wait! That's not fair! I'm 16! CRYSTAL: Okay, fine. I'll let you stay, considering, you're turning 17, next month._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Hey, I'm 16, too! And I'm the one IN the scene!

PHANTOM, CRYSTAL, SAMARA

YOU'RE 16?

CHRISTINE

Yeah!

PHANTOM

Oh, God! I'm a pedophile!

CHRISTINE, CRYSTAL, SAMARA

We won't tell, if you don't. (_All smile._)

PHANTOM

Okay.

CHRISTINE

But wait, I'm in this scene. I can't leave!

(_CRYSTAL: Oh, fine! You can all stay, regardless of what age you all are! EVERYONE: YAY! CRYSTAL: Okay, on with the sexuality! I mean… scene!_)

PHANTOM

_Softly, deftly, music shall caress you…_

(_SAMARA: Yeah, "music"… riiight… CRYSTAL: Samara, shut up! It's just getting good! GEOFF: Yeah. CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Where the bleeding hell did you come from? GEOFF: Isn't this the Bat Cave? **Both Crystal and Samara look at Geoff with immense fury.** CRYSTAL: Phantom, continue._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_Hear it, feel it secretly possess you…_

CHRISTINE

Wow! I DO feel it! (_Trance…_)

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: So do we! SAMARA: He's good. CRYSTAL: I know!_)

PHANTOM

_Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind--_

(_CRYSTAL: Don't let Christine's fantasies unwind… Ahhh! Damn camera shadow! Joel, don't forget to edit that out!_)

JOEL (_Ignoring._)

Uh-huh… yeah, right. Keep going, Phantom!

PHANTOM

_--in this darkness which you know you cannot fight--_

(_CRYSTAL: I wouldn't want to fight it. SAMARA: Me either._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_--the darkness of the music of the night… Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world! Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before!_

(_SAMARA: Didn't he just say that? CRYSTAL: Who cares? **Both continue to stare at the Phantom.**_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_Let your soul take you where you long to be! Only then can you belong to me…_

CHRISTINE (_Trance--and high--wearing off._)

Hey, I don't belong to you!

(_Phantom takes the markers from Christine's hand and puts them by her nose._)

PHANTOM

Inhale. (_Christine does so and becomes completely high and starry-eyed again._) Now you do. (_Pats her on the head._) Good Christine.

CHRISTINE

I AM NOT A KITTY!

PHANTOM

Yes you are.

CHRISTINE (_Simply._)

Okay.

(_SAMARA: Hey! That's what I do to you! But you don't cooperate! CRYSTAL: That's because I'm NOT! SAMARA: YES YOU ARE! CRYSTAL: We'll argue about this later… Let's finish watching this scene; my hand is getting tired. SAMARA: Okay… kitty. CRYSTAL: Damn you… Anyway, the Phantom brings Christine VERY close to him. "He lets her caress his mask, his hand reaches out to her face, travels down her neck and breasts." Hey, that's an EXACT quote from the screenplay--_**READ IT**)

PHANTOM

_Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!_

(_CRYSTAL: In reference to Christine--NO KIDDING! Anyway, however, what REALLY happens is the Phantom lets his hands… um… wander down her side… GEOFF: Hey, this is getting pretty hot! CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Shut up, Geoff!_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_Touch me, trust me…_

(_SAMARA: Riiight… CRYSTAL: Shut up!_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

…_savour each sensation!_

(_CRYSTAL: Oh, hell yes! SAMARA: Shut up! CRYSTAL: Meow! SAMARA: Hehe… kitty. CRYSTAL: Curse you…_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_Let the dream begin--_

(_CRYSTAL: See, I knew someone was dreaming…_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_--let your darker side give in to the power of the music that I write--the power of the music of the night…_

(_CRYSTAL: The Phantom leads Christine over to a small grotto, where she turns and is confronted by a mannequin in a wedding gown, only to realize that the mannequin is an actual, life-size duplicate… of HER! However, Christine, still extremely high, isn't at all phased by this fact… yet. Staring at the Christine-double of herself, she… begins to laugh: HYSTERICALLY._)

CHRISTINE

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA… (_Her laughter begins to calm as she begins to realize._) Hey, heh, wait a second… that's… (_finally, it hits her_) …me.

(_CRYSTAL: Her laughter all at once, in a flash, stops and she passes out, falling flat to the floor--and not even waking up, even when her head slams on the ground. Wow… that's some power. SAMARA: I know, seriously._)

PHANTOM

Oops.

(_CRYSTAL: Ha, ha! She passed out! I mean--**clears throat**--I hope Christine's okay… SAMARA: Riiight… CRYSTAL: Hehe… I mean, anyway, the Phantom picks up Christine and begins carrying her up the stairs-- SAMARA: Ha, ha! But on the way, Christine's head collides with a huge fucking tassel from a curtain! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! CRYSTAL: LMAO!_)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

Damn it, Christine…

(_CRYSTAL: Whew… Anyway, the Phantom continues to carry Christine up to his bedroom in another grotto. GEOFF: Well, if THAT'S not suggesting something… SAMARA: Yeah, can you say, "STATUTORY RAPE"? CRYSTAL: Oh, come on, Samara, you CAN'T tell me you don't think the Phantom is SO HOT?_)

PHANTOM (_Puts Christine on the bed and looks up; CONT'D._)

You think I'm hot?

(_CRYSTAL: Well… heh--**Blushes.**--Anyway, finish the song! SAMARA: Aw… Cryssie has a crush! GEOFF: Hey! CRYSTAL: Shush!_)

PHANTOM (_Blushes a moment; CONT'D._)

Hm… Anyway…

(_CRYSTAL: The Phantom leans next to Christine-- GEOFF: **Cough.** Rape… **Cough.** CRYSTAL: Shut up! --and touches her face._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

_You alone can make my song take flight--help me make the music of the night…_

(_CRYSTAL: And the Phantom pulls a cord and lowers a curtain around the bed._)

PHANTOM (_CONT'D._)

She looks so pretty when she's asleep… and stoned. Hm… I'm going to write music now.

(_CRYSTAL: He leaves to go to his organ. GEOFF: Hey, what luck! He didn't rape her! CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Shut up, Geoff! CRYSTAL--**To herself**: Remind me to lock you people out of my narrating from now on… **Aloud**. Anyway, back in the orchestra room…_)

ORGANIST GUY (_Waking up from his unconsciousness._)

Sorry, Mr. Webber.

(_CRYSTAL: Andrew gets up from the bench, then shoves the organist guy into a wall, knocking him out again._)

ANDREW

Go sod off. (_Leaves._)

JOEL (_ECSTATIC._)

FINALLY! We're done that fucking scene!

(_CRYSTAL: You don't have to tell me twice… I had to write it!_)

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A/N: LOL, I hope you all liked that. And BTW, thank you to everyone who reviewed to my first three chappies! **AXIE**: I love you! **COURTENAY**: Thanks so much! **LUCIFA VAN HOLLE**: Hehe, thanks. **ANTOINETTE**: Hehe, trust me, there's more to come! **KRISTAN**: Thanks! **ERIK'S SHADOW**: What can I say? LMAO! Sir Foppy! I love Erik! And don't Punjab me! More updates to come! **DESIREE**: Thanks much! Hm, I don't know… I think I may have dragged this chapter on too much. It's funny… the shorter the scene is in the movie, the longer I must drag it out with comedy. BUT it's up to you to decide what you thought of it. So, please **_REVIEW _**and tell me what you think!

Oh, FYI: My next chapter is a pretty big chunk of the movie, so it may take me a little while to write and post, so please be patient! Good patience makes a good parody ;) ! Anyway, love you all! AHHH! CLIFFHANGERS! Hehe!

Cheers.


	5. Hey, I'M the Prima Donna!

CRYSTAL & SAMARA: So…?

GEOFF: (_Quietly._) …It was good.

CRYSTAL: I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear?

GEOFF: It was good, okay? Happy? I liked it, it was good.

CRYSTAL: Thank you. :D And don't worry, it'll get better.

SAMARA & GEOFF: …Really?

CRYSTAL: Do I lie? I'm getting you to like _Phantom_; you just admitted.

GEOFF: (_Sighs._) Okay, I'll take your word for it. Is this a good chapter?

CRYSTAL: Hm, you tell me. Honestly, I hate "Prima Donna"… it annoys me. Okay, maybe I don't HATE it, but I was truly contemplating having all the characters in the song lose their voices two verses in, BUT… I decided to be nice.

SAMARA & GEOFF: How nice of you…

CRYSTAL: Yes, I know.

GEOFF: Now, who's this Gerry guy?

CRYSTAL: (_Thinks to herself._) "This Gerry guy…" Later, Geoff. Later…

SAMARA: Hehe.

GEOFF: Uh, so… what should we do now? (_Crystal and Samara look at each other and smile._) Uh-oh…

PRE-WARNING: I feel like I didn't do well this chapter:'( , so please give your most HONEST comments when you review for me. Anyway, I've delayed you long enough. Here is the much anticipated fifth chapter… Enjoy.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

**CHAPTER 5: Hey, I'M the Prima Donna! -- "_Magical Lasso_" to "_Prima Donna_"**

(_CRYSTAL: Okay. Samara and I have just locked Geoff in the closet, so the two of us will be narrating this story together, as we will in the future. GEOFF--**From the closet**: HEY! LET ME OUT! SAMARA: Yup! Okay, then. Where did we leave off? Oh, yes. Meanwhile, after Raoul-- CRYSTAL: Sir Foppy! Hehe, sorry… continue. SAMARA: Hehe, anyway, after Raoul finally got up from falling on his face again… CRYSTAL: Meg enters to see what happened to her, um… **coughs**… fearless leader. SAMARA: Hehe! CRYSTAL: Hm, entering the room, quietly, she searches for…_)

MEG (_Whispers._)

Christine?

(_SAMARA: She looks around… nothing. CRYSTAL: Until she finds the mirror, slightly slid over to one side, revealing the opening to the hallway._)

MEG (_With curiosity; CONT'D._)

Ooh…

(_SAMARA: She opens the mirror further and steps in. The hall is back to its dark, dank state, however, this does not seem to disturb Meg, in the least. CRYSTAL: Yes. In fact… she sings._)

MEG (_Skipping through the hall; CONT'D._)

_I'm following the leader, the leader, the leader! I'm following the leader, wherever she may go! I'm off to find the Phantom, the Phantom, the Phantom! I'm off to find the Phantom, wherever he may--_AHHH! STALKER! I mean… Hi, Mommy.

(_CRYSTAL: Madame Giry has snuck up on Meg and grabbed her arm._)

MADAME GIRY

What the fuck are you doing down here?

MEG

Uh… (_Thinks._) …I'm in a trance?

MADAME GIRY

Don't pull that with ME, missy… besides, that's Christine's excuse! Let's go!

(_SAMARA: Madame Giry grabs Meg's hand and leads her out of the hallway, out of Carlotta's dressing room, and back to the ballet dormitories. CRYSTAL: Meanwhile, IN the dormitories, Joseph Buquet has snuck in and is playing with the ballet girls._)

BUQUET (_Growling… mmkay._)

Ah! Nyah! Grrr! Gah! Hehehehehe… naughty ballet girls… who wants to play (_pulls out_) Punjab?

(_CRYSTAL: The girls giggle and Buquet laughs… kinda creepy, or creepily, rather._)

BALLET GIRL 1

Uncle Joey, tell us a story!

BALLET GIRL 2

Yes! Tell us about the Phantom!

BALLET GIRL 3

Yes, I hear he's exceedingly handsome… well, despite his face…

(_CRYSTAL: HEY! Step off, twit, HE'S MINE! SAMARA: Everyone looks at Crystal. **Chirp, chirp…** CRYSTAL: What're you all doing, staring at me for? Move on!_)

BUQUET

What are you talking about? I AM the Phantom!

(_SAMARA: Everyone looks at Buquet. CRYSTAL: You sodding drunkard._)

BALLET GIRL 1

Just tell us, Uncle Joey!

BUQUET

Okay! _Like yellow parchment is his skin… A great black hole serves as the nose that never grew._

ERIK (_Through Buquet's thoughts._)

Hey! I don't look like that! If anyone looks like that it's you, you bleeding copy-cat!

(_CRYSTAL: And yes, from now on, I'm referring to the Phantom by his name:D._)

ERIK (_CONT'D._)

And only the narrators can… none of you psycho-people here with me in the story can! So, ha!

BUQUET (_A little spooked…_)

Uh… okay… Uh, _you must be always on your guard, or he will catch you with his magical lasso!_

(_SAMARA: Buquet lassoes one of the ballet girls, who takes, uh… much enjoyment in the experience. Ew. CRYSTAL: Yeah, so does Buquet, who snarls and growls in fun. Just then, Meg enters, seeing._)

MEG

Ooh! I want to play!

(_CRYSTAL: Buquet turns to see Meg and lets go of the other ballet girl._)

BUQUET

Why, come here, then, Little Giry…

(_SAMARA: Ha, ha! But then, suddenly, Madame Giry steps into Buquet's view! CRYSTAL: And Buquet spazzes…_)

BUQUET (_CONT'D._)

AHHH! STALKER! Oh. Sorry, Giry. Heh…

MADAME GIRY (_Not happy._)

_Those who speak of what they know find, too late, that prudent silence is wise. Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue--_(_Slaps him._)

BUQUET

Ow! That hurt! (_Sobs._) Why do you have to be so mean?

MADAME GIRY (_Takes the lasso from him and loops it over his head._)

_--keep your hand at the level of your eyes!_

(_CRYSTAL: Buquet misses this little tidbit of advice and doesn't put his hand up in enough time, in which Madame Giry nearly chokes him with the lasso. He gags, falling to his knees._)

BUQUET

Okay, Giry! You can let it go now! (_She doesn't._) PLLEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEEE?

MADAME GIRY (_Smiles._)

With a cherry on top?

BUQUET

With cherry liquor on top! Yes, of course!

MADAME GIRY

Okay.

(_SAMARA: Hehe, she lets go of the Punjab lasso… CRYSTAL: And Buquet falls to the floor. SAMARA: Ha, ha, ha! CRYSTAL: Hehe, okay. Cut to the creepy monkey with the cymbals musical box playing "_Masquerade_." Christine awakens out of her stoned and dazed stupor._)

CHRISTINE (_Holding her head._)

Ugh, someone shut that fucking thing off! (_The musical box suddenly stops. A little disturbed…_) Okay… Hey, how did I wind up here? And in a bed? And--Oh, my God!

(_CRYSTAL: Oh, my God! SAMARA: Oh, my God! CRYSTAL & SAMARA: HER STOCKINGS ARE OFF! GEOFF--**From the closet still**: I told you he raped her! CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Shut it, Geoff!_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

How did my stockings come off?

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: We don't know! How did your stockings come off?_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

I don't know!

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Well, THINK, damn it!_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Okay… (_She gets up from the bed--looking for her missing stockings--heading back out into the lair._) _I remember there was mist… swirling mist upon a vast, glassy lake… there were candles all around--_

(_SAMARA: Yeah, and you burned yourself…_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_--and on the lake there was a boat--_

(_CRYSTAL: Gondola._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_--and in the boat--_

(_CRYSTAL: Gondola._)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

_--there was a man…_

(_CRYSTAL: A very sexy man:D! SAMARA: Aw, hehe. CRYSTAL: Damn you! Curse you! **Thinks, to herself.** Ooh… how operatic, hehe._)

ERIK (_Turns around, seeing Christine; thinks in head, turning back around._)

Hey, what do you know? It was Christine singing. Hm… shame I have no clue what she fucking said… (_Thinks on that._) …or is it?

(_CRYSTAL--**Aloud**: Ahem, anyway, Erik, dressed in his evening trousers, a loose velvet robe, and an open white shirt, "revealing his well developed physique"… **Sighs, dreamily.** Ah, I love exact quotes… **Starry-eyed.** Samara, can you continue for me? I need to fantasize now, ;D. SAMARA: Hehe, sure, chickie. Anyway, I'll do an exact quote for Cryssie: "She sees the Phantom sitting at his organ. His mask and hair perfect, bare chested in the flowing robe, he is once again a strong sexual presence Christine is attracted to." CRYSTAL: AND me. **Sighs.** I'm so jealous… SAMARA: I know you are, sweetie._)

CHRISTINE

_Who was that shape in the shadows…?_

(_SAMARA: Madame Giry, LOL! Just kidding… for the most part:D. Anyway, "she is behind him, very close." CRYSTAL: HEY, she has Sir Foppy! Who says she gets to have Erik, too?_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Your name's Erik?

ERIK

Yes… you may call me Phantom.

CHRISTINE (_Blank-mindedly._)

Okay.

ERIK

Now finish your verse.

CHRISTINE

Okay. _Whose is the face in the mask…?_

(_SAMARA: Exact quote time: "She lovingly caresses his face. He responds deeply to her touch." CRYSTAL--**Cries**: Are you trying to make me miserable? SAMARA: Don't worry, dearie, this next quote will make you feel better: "Almost like a lover, removing a veil, Christine takes off the mask. The Phantom springs up, throwing her violently to the ground and turns on her furiously." CRYSTAL: YES! SAMARA: Hehe. "We see only a flash of his rotting face."_)

ERIK & CRYSTAL

Hey! That's mean to say!

(_SAMARA: Sorry, not my fault--exact quote!_)

ERIK & CRYSTAL (_CONT'D._)

Oh, okay.

(_SAMARA: "In his wrath, he runs to the huge mirrors around the lair, tearing off the dust covers."_)

ERIK (_CONT'D._)

Hm… okay. (_He does so._) _Damn you! You little prying Pandora! You little demon--is this what you wanted to see?_

CHRISTINE (_Frightened._)

Uh… yes?

ERIK

_Curse you! You little lying Delilah!_

CHRISTINE

Hey, I didn't lie to you!

ERIK

It's metaphorical.

CHRISTINE

Oh…

ERIK

_You little viper--_

CHRISTINE

Hey! THAT'S mean!

ERIK

Sorry, but _now you cannot ever be free!_

CHRISTINE (_Thinks._)

Hm… that sucks.

ERIK (_Weakening._)

_Damn you… curse you…_

CHRISTINE

Curse me? Curse you!

ERIK

Shut up!

CHRISTINE (_Frightened again._)

Okay.

ERIK

_Stranger than you dreamt it…_

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head._)

No kidding.

ERIK

…_can you even dare to look or bear to think of me--_

CHRISTINE (_Aloud._)

_Think of me--_

ERIK

Shush! _This loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell--_

CHRISTINE

Really? (_Erik throws her a look._) AHHH! Shushing…

ERIK

_--but secretly yearns for heaven, secretly… secretly… Christine…_

(_SAMARA: "Christine is near tears. Her heart is moved by this poor man."_)

CHRISTINE (_Thinks in head--why she's REALLY crying._)

What did I do to deserve this?

ERIK

_Fear can turn to love--_

CHRISTINE (_Confused._)

It can? (_Erik, once again, throws another look at her._) AHHH! (_Slaps her hands over her mouth again, like earlier._)

ERIK

_--you'll learn to see, to find the man behind the monster, this… repulsive carcass, who seems a beast, but secretly dreams of beauty, secretly… secretly…_

(_CRYSTAL: Awww… don't be so hard on yourself. I like you:). SAMARA: In fact, she loves you:D! CRYSTAL: Samara, shut up!_)

ERIK (_CONT'D._)

_Oh, Crystal_--I mean, _Christine_.

CHRISTINE (_Removing her hands._)

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

(_SAMARA: AW! He said your name, sweetie! Granted, he screwed up, but he said your name! **Notices Crystal.** Awww… Hehe, Crystal's blushing…_)

ERIK (_To Christine._)

Uh, nothing… just give me my mask back, demon-girl.

(_SAMARA: She chucks the mask back to him, upset. He puts it on and stands up._)

ERIK (_CONT'D._)

Come we must return--those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you… (_to himself_) …their third stooge.

CHRISTINE (_Getting up to go to the boat._)

Yeah, yeah, fine, okay. (_To herself._) First, Raoul doesn't even notice me because he can't fucking see me. Now, Erik--

ERIK

That's "the Phantom" to you!

CHRISTINE (_Sitting in the boat, all pissy._)

--the Phantom calls me by another girl's name! (_Groans._)

(_CRYSTAL: Hehe, MINE!_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Men. UGH!

(_CRYSTAL: Okay, we're cutting the flash-forward scene. SAMARA: Why? CRYSTAL: Because Sir Foppy's a dumb-ass and Madame Giry's a stalker… I don't know! Because I said so! On with "_Notes_"! SAMARA: Okay. Firmin enters._)

FIRMIN (_Tired, bored, and completely sick of doing this._)

Hey, Christine's gone… Oh, shit. (_Sighs._) First, Carlotta, now, Christine. Hey, at least I'm making money, hehe!

ANDRE (_Enters; unenthusiastically._)

Damnable. We have no cast.

FIRMIN

But have you seen the queue? Hey, you've got a note, too.

ANDRE

Yeah.

FIRMIN

Well, what does it say?

ANDRE

"Dear Andre, what a charming gala! Christine was, in a word, sublime. We were hardly bereft when Carlotta left--on that note, the diva's a disaster, must you cast her when she's seasons past her prime?"

FIRMIN

Hm, well, what do you know?

ANDRE

What does yours say?

FIRMIN

"Dear Firmin, just a brief reminder: my salary has not been paid. Send it care of the ghost, by return of post--P.T.O."--

ANDRE

What does that mean?

FIRMIN

"Please Turn Over," stupid.

ANDRE

That'd be "P.T.O.S."

FIRMIN (_Ignoring._)

"--no one likes a debtor, so it's better if my orders are obeyed!"

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Who would have the gall to send this? Someone with a child-like--

FIRMIN (_CONT'D._)

Hey, let's use "puerile." It sounds cooler.

ANDRE

Okay.

FIRMIN & ANDRE

--puerile brain!

FIRMIN (_Studying both notes; CONT'D._)

They are both signed "O.G."…

ANDRE

Who the hell is he?

FIRMIN

I don't know.

ANDRE

Me either.

ERIK (_Off-stage._)

"Opera Ghost"!

FIRMIN & ANDRE  
Oh… "Opera Ghost"! (_Erik groans._)

ANDRE (_CONT'D._)

Well, how about that?

FIRMIN

I think he's insane.

ANDRE

Me, too.

RAOUL (_Entering._)

Me, thr-EE! (_Falls coming UP the stairs._) Ow. (_Firmin and Andre go to help Raoul up._) I'm fine. (_Gets up on his own._) Where is she?

ANDRE

You mean Carlotta?

RAOUL (_Thinks on that._)

Well--I MEAN, NO. I mean Miss Daae--where is she?

FIRMIN

How the hell should we know? She just disappeared!

ANDRE

Yeah, don't look at us!

RAOUL

Monsieur, don't argue--isn't this the letter you wrote? (_Gives the letter to Andre._)

FIRMIN

And what is it that we're meant to have wrote?

RAOUL

Written.

FIRMIN

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

ANDRE

"Do not fear for Miss Daae. The Angel of Music has her under his wing. Make no attempt to see her again." Hm, oh, well. We didn't write it.

RAOUL

Well, if you didn't write it, then who did?

CARLOTTA (_Enters with crew._)

Where is he?

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Carlotta!

RAOUL (_Stupid._)

Carlotta wrote it?

CARLOTTA

My precious patron--where is he?

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Your precious patron?

CARLOTTA (_Embarrassed._)

Heh, heh, I mean, YOUR precious patron… obviously.

RAOUL

Yes?

CARLOTTA

I have your letter--a letter which I am rather distressed about.

RAOUL

What is it that I'm meant to have sent? (_Carlotta hands him the letter, but Firmin takes it from her._)

FIRMIN

I'll read it, Vicomte.

RAOUL (_Embarrassed._)

Heh, thanks.

FIRMIN

"Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered. Christine Daae will be singing on your behalf tonight. Be prepared for a great misfortune, should you attempt to take her place."

RAOUL

Oh, I'm sorry, Carlotta.

ERIK (_Still off-stage._)

You didn't send it, you poof! I DID!

RAOUL

Oh, right. (_Realizing._) Hey! I'm no poof!

REYER (_Off-stage._)

Like, who's talking about me?

EVERYONE

NO ONE!

(_SAMARA: Heh, heh… riiight…_)

FIRMIN (_CONT'D._)

I'm sick of hearing about Miss Daae!

ANDRE

Me, too!

RAOUL

Me, three.

CHRISTINE (_Off-stage._)

What? HEY!

RAOUL

She has good hearing.

ERIK

Better than mine…

(_SAMARA: Wow… that's a lot of off-stagers. Anyway, Madame Giry enters with Meg out of nowhere._)

RAOUL, CARLOTTA, FIRMIN, ANDRE, PIANGI, CARLOTTA'S MAID

AHHH! STALKER! (_Madame Giry rolls her eyes._)

FIRMIN

JESUS CHRIST!

MADAME GIRY

Uh, not quite.

ANDRE

Where the fuck did you come from?

MADAME GIRY

Wouldn't you like to know…

RAOUL (_Under his breath._)

Not really…

MADAME GIRY

Anyway, Miss Daae has returned. (_Everyone groans._)

RAOUL

Okay, then, where is she, Giry?

MADAME GIRY

She is alone. (_Silence. Elbows Meg in her side._)

MEG

Ow! Oh, yeah… she needed rest.

RAOUL

Oh, okay. May I see her?

MEG (_Under her breath._)

Not likely… (_Madame Giry slaps her arm._) Ow!

MADAME GIRY

No, Monsieur, she will see no one. Especially, if they can't see her… Anyway, I have a note.

PIANGI

Join the club.

FIRMIN

Give me it. (_Madame Giry hands it over. Looks it over, then is confused._) Huh?

RAOUL

What does it say?

FIRMIN

It says, "_Do-wa-ditty-ditty-dum-ditty-do_." (_Everyone looks confused._)

MADAME GIRY

P.T.O., Monsieur Firmin. I apologize. (_Gets shifty-eyed._)

FIRMIN (_Looks suspiciously at Madame Giry, then flips the note over._)

"Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature, detailing how my theatre is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. I shall give you one last chance…" Ooh… scary.

ERIK

You bet your ass, mustache boy! Anyway, I'm taking over this monologue! "Christine Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress."

ANDRE

I'll bet.

ERIK

You better, small man. (_Andre shuts up._) As I was saying, "in the new production of _Il Muto_…"

CHRISTINE (_Still off-stage._)

That's a funny title.

ERIK

You're supposed to be resting!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! Resting… (_Quiet._)

ERIK (_Groans._)

"…you will therefore cast Carlotta as the pageboy, and put Miss Daae in the role of Countess."

CHRISTINE

I was going to be the pageboy?

ERIK (_Ignoring._)

"The role which Miss Daae plays calls for charm and appeal"--and while Carlotta has that and Christine doesn't, we'll just have to make do--

CHRISTINE

Hey! I have lucky charms and sex appeal!

ERIK

…Not quite what I had in mind… Christine, shut up and let me finish!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (_Quiet._)

ERIK

That's more like it. Now, where was I?

RAOUL

Lucky charms and sex appeal. (_Everyone looks at Raoul._)

ERIK

Anyway… "the role of the pageboy is silent--which makes my casting, in a word…" BAD. (_Thinks._) Hm… now that I think of it, maybe I SHOULD let Christine be the pageboy…

CHRISTINE

Hey, I'M the Prima Donna!

ERIK

Right. So, I suppose the casting is "ideal. I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five," which means, Sir Foppy, if your ass is in MY box, I'm going to be introducing you to my friend… Punjab.

RAOUL (_Lost and confused._)

Huh?

ERIK

Stay confused. I know your simple-minded brain can only take so much. Besides, it'll be easier for me to kill you and throw you off the roof, but that's besides the point. "Box Five WILL be kept empty for me. Should these commands be ignored a disaster beyond your imagination will occur…"

CHRISTINE

Yeah, he'll burn your crusty asses up!

ERIK

CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (_Her hands are HEARD slapping over her mouth… again._)

ERIK (_Sighs, exhaustedly._)

"I remain, gentlemen, your," heh, "obedient servant… O.G." Okay, I'm done, Christine, jabber all you want now.

CHRISTINE

YAY!

CARLOTTA

Christine? Is this all a plot to help Christine? But… what about me?

PIANGI (_Goes to embrace her._)

I adore you, Carlotta!

CARLOTTA (_Cowers away from him._)

Not now, Piangi. (_Begins crying._) I can't take this! I'm leaving! (_Leaves with everyone following._)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Signora, please! Don't leave! (_Follow, until they make it to the main entrance doors, where they are met by many male fans._)

MAN (_To Carlotta._)

Would you give this to La Carlotta?

CARLOTTA

I am La Carlotta.

MAN

Really? Hm… I never knew that. I thought you were Christine Daae.

CHRISTINE (_Still off-stage._)

He thought I was CARLOTTA?

(_SAMARA: The doors shut and Carlotta is about to start crying again. CRYSTAL: Hey, wait a second… Guys? SAMARA: Everyone's attention turns to Crystal. CRYSTAL: Why isn't anyone singing? This whole chunk scene is supposed to be sung! SAMARA: You just realized this? CRYSTAL: I'm slow, all right? Gimme a break…_)

RAOUL

_Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat… _(_realizes everyone's staring at him_) _…bar_? (_While everyone just continues to stare, Raoul has completely shut up._)

(_CRYSTAL: Why isn't anyone singing?_)

FIRMIN

We don't feel like it, okay?

ANDRE

Yeah, we'll sing next chapter!

EVERYONE

Yeah!

(_CRYSTAL: Easy for you two to say, YOU DON'T SING NEXT CHAPTER!_)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Oh, yeah…

(_CRYSTAL: Oh, cheezits… SAMARA: Tough crowd. CRYSTAL: Tell me about it…_)

ANDRE (_To Carlotta; CONT'D._)

Your public needs you!

FIRMIN

We need you, too!

CHRISTINE

I DON'T!

EVERYONE

Christine, shut up!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (_Quiet._)

CARLOTTA (_Sniffles; to Firmin and Andre._)

Would you not rather have Christine?

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Signora, no. The world wants you… (_Both take a breath, but stop._)

ANDRE (_CONT'D._)

I still don't feel like singing.

FIRMIN

Me either. How about you guys?

EVERYONE

Yeah.

JOEL

Yeah, let's fast-forward this scene.

ANDREW (_Sighs._)

Sure, why not?

(_SAMARA: Huh? CRYSTAL: It's cool with me! Just… **sighs**… at least, sing the last few verses of the song--for the people who DO like it._)

EVERYONE (_Sighs._)

Fine.

(_CRYSTAL: Okay, good. **SNAP!** SAMARA: Crystal snaps her fingers and everyone is automatically in their costumes and positions._)

CHRISTINE (_Bedazzled._)

Whoa, how'd I get down here?

ERIK

Uh… I'm not supposed to be here.

(_CRYSTAL: Oops, sorry. **SNAP!** Better?_)

ERIK (_In hiding, off-stage; CONT'D._)

Yes, thank you!

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Okay, go!_)

CARLOTTA

_Prima Donna, your song shall never die!_

CHRISTINE

Yeah, MY song, exactly!

PIANGI

_When she sings we see heaven!_

CHRISTINE

Really? I didn't know I could do that.

FIRMIN

Not you, stupid.

CARLOTTA

_You'll sing again, and to unending ovation!_

RAOUL

_Orders! Warnings! Lunatic demands!_

ERIK (_Still off-stage._)

…Watch your step, Foppy…

FIRMIN & ANDRE

_Lunatic demands are regular occurrences!_

ERIK

Did anyone ask you two?

CARLOTTA

_Think how you'll shine in that final encore!_

CHRISTINE (_Under her breath, angrily._)

Bitch.

FIRMIN & ANDRE

_Surely there'll be further scenes--worse than this!_

ERIK

You can count on it…

RAOUL (_Walking up stairs._)

…_I must see these demands are rejec-TED! _FUCK! (_Can you guess? Yeah, he tripped and fell… again._) Ow.

FIRMIN & ANDRE

_Who'd believe a diva happy to relieve a chorus girl, who's gone and slept with the patron?_

CHRISTINE

Hey! I haven't slept with Raoul! Well, not unless you count that time in the attic…

RAOUL (_From the floor._)

CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE

AHHH!

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Draw your own conclusions…_)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

_Raoul and the soubrette, entwined in love's duet!_

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Well, if THAT'S not suggestive…_)

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

We haven't slept with each other!

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Riiight…_)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

_Although he may demur, he must have been with her!_

RAOUL

I have NOT slept with Christine! …Except that time in the attic.

CHRISTINE

RAOUL!

RAOUL

AHHH!

(_CRYSTAL & SAMARA: For fuck's sake, FINISH THE GODDAMN SONG!_)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

_You'd never get away with all this in a play, but if it's loudly sung, and in a foreign tongue, it's just the sort of story audiences adore--_

(_SAMARA: Christine, Meg, and Madame Giry are walking down a corridor to the stage. While Meg and Madame Giry sing simultaneously with Firmin and Andre, Christine just looks completely blank-- CRYSTAL: And stupid._)

FIRMIN & ANDRE (_CONT'D._)

_--in fact, a perfect opera!_

MADAME GIRY

_For, if his curse is on the opera…_

MEG

_But if his curse is on this opera…_

(_CRYSTAL: Don't ask me the fuck how, but for some fucking reason, everyone in fucking Paris is now singing this goddamn fucking song outside the fucking opera house… SAMARA: No fucking kidding._)

OUTSIDE ALL

_Prima Donna, the world is at your feet! A nation waits, and how it hates to be cheated!_

(_CRYSTAL: Back inside the Opera Populaire, on the stage, everyone sings the final fucking verse. SAMARA: Touché!_)

EVERYONE

_Light up the stage with that age-old rapport! Sing, Prima Donna… _(_inhales deeply_) _…once more! _(_Song ends._)

(_CRYSTAL: Stupid tarty ballet girls dancing for no fucking reason…_)

ERIK (_Still off-stage, listening to this going on._)

You're all fucking crazy.

CHRISTINE

But I'M the Prima Donna!

(_SAMARA: Yeah… you're also a boy! LOL!_)

CHRISTINE (_Noticing._)

AHHH!

(_CRYSTAL: LMAO! Ah… life is good, ;)._)

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A/N: Okay, so I DID lie… a little… I DIDN'T have the characters sing the first half of "Prima Donna"… Apologies to those of you who DO like it--at least, I had them sing the end:P What can I say? All right, I lied… "Prima Donna" isn't that bad. Hehe, anyway, here goes **_THANKS_**: to **AXIE**: You're the best! MUCH LOVE! **COURTENAY**: What else can I say? Thanks sooo much! **DEZZ**: You're the greatest! Luv ya! **ERIK'S SHADOW**: Whoever you are, I LOVE YOU! LMAO! **LAUREN**: Thanks for your honesty and help, my dear! **MISS CHRISTINE DAAE**: I'm SOOO glad you loved it! HI-LAR-I-OUS, hehe. **MR. POOCH (a.k.a. Becky)**: I'm SOOO happy you read it! Thanks so much! **RELTISTIC**: Hehe, TRUST ME, next chapter will be a HELLUVA lot better than this one! As for everyone else, thanks for being so patient in waiting for this chappy, and I'm sorry if it wasn't as funny as my other few… I told you, I REALLY don't like "Prima Donna"… that much, LOL. Anywho, I hope you keep a-readin' and the next chap will be up soon--hopefully, LOL! R & R, THANKIES!

PS: I PROMISE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE FUNNIER! DON'T ABANDON ME! Okay, I'm done. ;)

PPS: I'm working on **_2_** new PhanFic ideas (another parody and a non-parody), so keep a lookout for new stories!

Cheers.


	6. You Better Love Me!

SAMARA: I can't believe we actually decided to let him out of the closet.

CRYSTAL: Think about what you just said, Sammi…

SAMARA: (_Thinks, then CRACKS UP!_) OMFB!

GEOFF: Just shut up, the two of you… (_Looks embarrassed._)

CRYSTAL: Hehe. Okay, so?

GEOFF: "Prima Donna" wasn't THAT bad… Well, YOUR version, anyway…

CRYSTAL: HA! So, you DO like it!

GEOFF: (_Thinks._) Damn you…

CRYSTAL: Hehe… Anyway, even if you DIDN'T like the last chapter, this next chap is a great chapter.

SAMARA: Trust me, I helped with it--IT'S GOOD!

GEOFF: Okay, cool. Uh, so… who's Gerry?

CRYSTAL: (_Coyly._) None of your business.

GEOFF: (_Smidgen of jealousy._) Come on, tell me.

SAMARA: Ooh… jealous, are we?

GEOFF: YES--uh, I mean… (_clears throat_) …no. No, of course not… Who is he?

CRYSTAL: Later, my dear. Later.

GEOFF: (_To himself._) I hate when she plays these games.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

**CHAPTER 6: You Better Love Me! -- "_Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh_" to "_All I Ask of You (Reprise)_"**

(_SAMARA: Okay, well, I'm back. I can hardly say as much for Crystal, though… she said she'd be back later. Something about an "experiment" she's working on. GEOFF--**Jealously**: Yeah… "experimenting"… she's probably with "Phantom Erik." SAMARA: You know, Geoff, jealousy is an ugly thing. GEOFF: So is that Phantom's face, but Crystal still likes him. SAMARA: Hey, be nice! Anyway, _Il Muto_ is just about to start, and Firmin and Andre have magically wound up in their private box. GEOFF: Not to mention, all of France is now in the house and Raoul's in Box Five… again. SAMARA: Yeah… stupid Fop. Anywho, the orchestra has started and the curtain opens, revealing the Countess's Confidante, two epicene men, and Meg dressed as a maid. Off-stage, Carlotta's maid places her throat spray on a table, when a mysterious gloved hand replaces the bottle with another exact replica of it. GEOFF: Ooh, creepy. SAMARA: I know! Anyway, let the play begin!_)

CONFIDANTE

_They say that this youth has set my lady's heart aflame-a!_

1ST FOP (_I'm not kidding--this is what they're called in the script!_)

_His Lordship, sure, would die of shock!_

2ND FOP

_His Lordship is a laughing-stock!_

PIANGI (_Off-stage._)

Are they talking about me?

CHRISTINE (_Off-stage._)

Yes, now shut up.

CONFIDANTE

_Should he suspect her, God protect her!_

CONFIDANTE, 1ST FOP, 2ND FOP (_Insincerely._)

_Shame! Shame! Shame! This faithless lady's bound for Hades! Shame! Shame! Shame!_

(_SAMARA: Meg strokes her index finger with her other--"Shame, shame!" Hehe. Anyway, the canopy drapes apart, revealing Carlotta as the Countess and Christine as Serafimo, the pageboy--KISSING!_)

PIANGI (_Freaks out._)

Oh, no! Carlotta's a lesbian! I'm in love with a lesbian! No wonder she doesn't like me! (_Cries._)

RAOUL (_In Erik's box… damn Fop. Squinting._)

Hey, that pageboy's kind of cute… (_Realizing._) Oh, my God, wait! AHHH! I LIKE GUYS!

ERIK (_Off-stage._)

That's Christine, you fop!

RAOUL (_Relieved._)

OH! Okay. (_Realizing._) But wait… AHHH! CHRISTINE'S A LESBIAN?

CHRISTINE

I'm not a lesbian, you fop!

CARLOTTA

Me either! Did you not ever hear of "acting"?

RAOUL & PIANGI

OHH! (_Completely relieved._) Okay. Continue.

CHRISTINE & CARLOTTA (_Sigh._)  
Idiots.

COUNTESS (_CONT'D._)

_Serafimo! Your disguise is perfect! _(_Knock at door._) _Why, who can this be?_

CARLOTTA (_CONT'D._)

As if we didn't already know… (_Meg answers the door._)

DON ATTILIO (_Enters stage._)

_Gentle wife, admit your loving husband. _(_Slaps Meg's ass._)

MEG (_Gasps, then slaps Piangi._)

OH! Bastard! No one touches me like that, except Joey!

(_GEOFF: Meg realizes what she has just revealed and gasps again, covering her mouth with her hand, in pure shock._)

BUQUET

That's my Meggie!

(_SAMARA: Yup! And her stalker--I mean, mommy comes out to the side stage, gaping in complete shock._)

MADAME GIRY

MEG! YOU LITTLE TWO-BIT WHORE!

MEG

…IT WAS THE CAPE!

(_SAMARA: LMFAO! Madame Giry comes onto the stage and slaps Meg across the face and Meg starts to cry._)

MADAME GIRY

Oh, suck it up, you little crybaby! Geez! (_Exits stage._) Continue!

ANDRE (_To Firmin._)

Now THAT'S exactly the sort of thing the public loves.

(_GEOFF: Tell me about it! All that's missing is the white t-shirts and the pool of water! Haha! CRYSTAL & SAMARA: **Groan…**_)

DON ATTILIO

_My love--I am called to England on affairs of state, and must leave you with your new maid._

(_SAMARA: Piangi goes to touch Christine's ass, but she slaps his hands away from her._)

CHRISTINE

Hey! That's reserved for Erik!

ERIK (_Off-stage still._)

The Phantom!

CHRISTINE (_Corrects._)

The Phantom!

RAOUL

THE PHANTOM?

CHRISTINE

I mean, Raoul!

ERIK

FOPPY?

CHRISTINE

I mean--(_Confusion._)--Just keep going!

DON ATTILIO (_Aside._)

_Though I'd happily take the maid with me!_

CARLOTTA

What? You don't love ME anymore?

PIANGI

Of course I do, Carlotta! Just… acting, remember?

CARLOTTA

Oh, yeah… Okay. Anyway…

COUNTESS (_Aside; CONT'D._)

_The old fool is leaving!_ (_Audience snickers: "Snicker, snicker…"_)

ANDRE (_To Firmin._)

Look! It's the Countess de Charbourg! She's invited us to her salon, you know.

FIRMIN

Nothing like that ever happened to us in the junk business.

ANDRE (_Corrects._)

Scrap metal.

FIRMIN

Oh, let's face it, Andre. It was the piece of shit business, hands down, period.

ANDRE

Yeah, you're right.

FIRMIN

I know. Now, let's watch the show.

ANDRE

Okay.

COUNTESS

_Serafimo--away with this pretense!_

(_GEOFF: Christine rips off her skirt. SAMARA: Oh, what "manly breeches," LMAO!_)

COUNTESS (_CONT'D._)

_You cannot speak--_

CHRISTINE

Yes I can.

JOEL (_Off-stage._)

Christine…

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (_Not speaking._)

COUNTESS

_--but kiss me in my husband's absence!_

CHRISTINE

Okay. (_Hides behind Carlotta's fan with her, "kissing."_)

RAOUL

Christine!

CHRISTINE (_Pulls out._)

What? Oh.

COUNTESS

_Poor fool, he makes me laugh! Hahahahaha! Time I tried to get a better, better half!_

COUNTESS & CHORUS

_Poor fool, he doesn't know! Hohohohoho!_

(_SAMARA: A figure comes out from a door high in the opera house. GEOFF--**Sighs**: "Phantom Erik."_)

COUNTESS & CHORUS (_CONT'D._)

_If he knew the truth, he'd never ever go!_

ERIK (_Thundering voice--ooh… sexy…_)

Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty… Sir Fop?

RAOUL (_Realizing._)

Oops.

MEG (_Terrified, whispering… what a sissy._)

He's here, the Phantom of the Opera…

CARLOTTA (_Nervously._)

It's him.

CHRISTINE

Your part is silent, little toad!

CARLOTTA (_Confused._)

Huh?

ERIK (_To himself._)

Ah, Christine… so evil… so vengeful… so… stupid. Oh, well. Two out of three's better than nothing.

(_SAMARA: However, instead of Carlotta going to get the throat spray, Christine does, then comes back to hand it to Carlotta. Carlotta sprays herself liberally before putting the bottle back on the table._)

CARLOTTA

Okies!

COUNTESS

_Serafimo, away with this pretense! You cannot speak, but kiss me in my husband's--CROAK!_

AUDIENCE

GASP! Then… HAHAHAHAHA!

COUNTESS (_Tries again, quietly._)

_Poor fool, he makes me laugh! Hahaha--CROAK! CROAK! CROAK! _(_Cries, humiliated, then runs off-stage, curtain closing behind her._)

(_GEOFF: Audience continues to crack up, with the exception of Firmin, Andre, Reyer, Raoul, and Madame Giry. Erik has left, retreating back into the crevices of the opera house, Firmin and Andre have disappeared from their box, and Raoul feels bad for Carlotta._)

RAOUL

Aw, poor Carlotta.

CHRISTINE

HEY!

RAOUL

Oh, sorry.

FIRMIN (_With Andre, are magically on the stage._)

Er, ladies and gentlemen, we apologize. Er, the performance will continue in ten minutes' time… when the role of the Countess will be played by--(_Amazingly finds Christine behind the curtain and pulls her out._)--Miss Daae. (_The audience applauds and Christine smiles big, until Firmin throws her back behind the curtain._)

CHRISTINE

Ow! (_Clatter._)

FIRMIN

Thank you!

ANDRE (_Ignoring._)

Meanwhile, we'd like to give you the ballet from Act Three of tonight's performance.

REYER

WHAT?

FIRMIN

Thank you! (_Both exit._)

(_SAMARA: Reyer hurriedly begins the music and all the dancers come on. GEOFF: Let's just say, it's pure chaos. CRYSTAL: Your average Triton play--for those of you who know what I'm talking about, LOL! SAMARA: Haha! True that! Hey, what're you doing here, anyway? I thought you had an experiment? CRYSTAL: I do… it's in progress. SAMARA: Oh. CRYSTAL: Yeah, anyway, while Madame Giry helps Christine get ready, up in the rafters, Buquet has been jumping around, pretending to be Erik. Frankly, Erik is pissed off at this and has decided to, um… finish him off, so to speak. Erik is hunting him down, as we speak, while the Triton version of _Il Muto_ is going on. GEOFF: Meanwhile, in Carlotta's dressing room, Madame Giry gives another single red rose with black ribbon to Christine, whose hair now doesn't look like a boy's._)

CHRISTINE

Another single shitty rose… I'm getting sick of this.

(_SAMARA: Hehe, Madame Giry tightens Christine's corset TIGHTLY._)

CHRISTINE

OW!

MADAME GIRY (_To herself._)

I'm getting sick of you…

(_SAMARA: Buquet spots Erik stalking him and runs. GEOFF: But it doesn't do him any good. CRYSTAL: Considering Erik eventually catches up to him anyway, Punjab in hand--_)

BUQUET

Please, Monsieur Phantom… I never meant anything by anything! I swear! I'm just a stupid-ass, drunken bastard!

ERIK

That IS true… but still. (_Loops the lasso around his neck. We oddly hear the _Psycho_ theme playing._) Die, imposter-poser, die. (_Evil smile… ooh… sexy._)

(_CRYSTAL: --and strangles him. SAMARA: Buquet's body drops from the rafters to the stage. GEOFF: It causes mass mayhem onstage, as well as in the audience. SAMARA: Yes, and, once again, magically, Firmin and Andre are back in their box._)

FIRMIN (_Trying to settle everyone._)

Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats. Er, do not panic. It is simply, uh… (_Looks at Andre for help._)

ANDRE (_Whispers._)

An accident.

FIRMIN

An accident! Right, an accident…

(_CRYSTAL, SAMARA, GEOFF: Riiight… SAMARA--**CONT'D.**: Anyway, Christine has found Raoul, slowly making his way down the stairs, and grabs his arm, leading him another way. GEOFF: Yeah, back UP the stairs. Unfortunately, we all know what Raoul plus stairs equal. SAMARA: Yup. Sir Foppy strikes again… CRYSTAL: Let's see, shall we?_)

RAOUL

_Why_--ow--_have you_--ow--_brought me_--ow--_here_--OW!-- Christine, I think I broke my nose.

CHRISTINE (_Picking him up by his collar._)

_We can't go back there!_

RAOUL (_Choking._)

Can't we? OW! _We must return!_

CHRISTINE (_Dragging him up the stairs._)

_He'll kill you_, stupid_! His eyes will find us there!_

RAOUL

_Christine, don't say that…_ OW! FUCK!

CHRISTINE

_Those eyes that burn!_

RAOUL

Ow… seriously? _Don't even think it… _Hey, I think--ow--I saw that before.

CHRISTINE (_Still dragging him._)

I doubt it.

RAOUL

No--ow--serious--ow--ly. Hold up!

(_SAMARA: Oh, God… GEOFF: What? CRYSTAL: They're walking up a down escalator._)

CHRISTINE

Oh, my God… _And if he has to--CROAK!_ (_Gasps!_)

RAOUL

"If he has to croak"?

CHRISTINE

N--_CROAK!_

ANDREW

Don't tell me she used the throat spray…

JOEL

Christine, did you use the throat spray?

CHRISTINE (_Nods, embarrassedly._)

_CROAK!_

ERIK (_Off-stage._)

Oh, God…

RAOUL

Oh, shit! OW!

(_SAMARA: HAHAHA! GEOFF: What? CRYSTAL: Pay attention, Geoffy! Fop got his coattails caught in the escalator steps! LOL! GEOFF: Oh. LMAO!_)

RAOUL (_CONT'D._)

AHHH! I'm going to die! Christine, help me!

CHRISTINE

_CROAK!_

(_SAMARA: Amazingly enough, they reach the doors to the roof, but… IT'S LOCKED!_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Hey! Who locked the _CROAK_-ing door? Let us the _CROAK_ out!

(_SAMARA: There are already two people on the roof… and both dressed up as Christine and Raoul… but who are they? GEOFF: I have a feeling we'll find out soon enough._)

MYSTERY CHRISTINE

MYSTERY RAOUL

_The Phantom of the_

_The Phantom is a fable…_

_Opera will kill and kill_

_Believe me, there is no_

_again! _(_To herself._)

_Phantom of the Opera…_

_My God, who is this_

(_To himself._)

_man who hunts_

_My God, who is this man,_

_to kill…? I can't_

_this mask of death…?_

_escape from him…_

_Whose is this voice you hear_

_I never will!_

_with every breath…?_

MYSTERY CHRISTINE & MYSTERY RAOUL

_And in this labyrinth, where night is blind, the Phantom of the Opera is here / there: inside my / your mind…_

RAOUL (_Off-stage._)

_There is no Phantom of the Opera! _OW!

ERIK (_From behind statue._)

Riiight, Foppy…

(_SAMARA: Okay, seriously, who are Mystery Raoul and Mystery Christine? GEOFF: Likewise… CRYSTAL: Heh, heh… Mystery Raoul turns around to reveal… GEOFF: DARTH VADER? CRYSTAL: And Mystery Christine… SAMARA: DR. FRANK-N-FURTER FROM "ROCKY HORROR"? LMFAO! GEOFF--**Thinks in head**: As long as Crystal and Samara don't find out that I thought Mystery Christine was kind of cute… I should be fine. **Becomes shifty-eyed.**_)

ERIK (_Thinks in head._)

Even I didn't think Mystery Christine looked good… I mean, honestly…

(_GEOFF: Bite me, Phantom._)

ANDREW

Who invited Anakin and Dr. Transvestite?

FRANK-N-FURTER

_I'm just a sweet transvestite… from transsexual… Transylvania_…

DARTH VADER (_Breathes._)

Haw-per…

JOEL

I don't know, but it should make this movie more interesting than with Christine and Foppy.

ANDREW

Good point. Continue, please?

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

LET US OUT!

JOEL

Go die.

FRANK-N-FURTER (_In a deep, manly woman voice._)

_Raoul, I've been there--to his world of unending night… to a world where the daylight dissolves into darkness… _Mm,_ darkness_, sexy man_… _(_Gets close to Vader._) _Raoul, I've seen him. _Oh, _can I ever forget that sight…? Can I ever escape from that face? So distorted, deformed, it was hardly a face_, even though I've never seen him to begin with_, in that darkness… _ooh,_ darkness_, Vader-baby_… _(_Semi-trance-like._) _But his voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound…_ ooh, sexy voice_… In that night, there was music in my mind… And through music my soul began to soar! And I heard as I'd never heard before_, baby_…_

DARTH VADER

Haw-per… _What you heard was a dream and nothing--_haw-per--_more…_

FRANK-N-FURTER

_Yet in his eyes--_oh, those eyes--_all the sadness of the world, those pleading eyes that both threaten and adore… _My kind of man, baby!

(_GEOFF: Wow… this is creepy. SAMARA: Yeah, now Vader's… ew… touching Frank-N-Furter all over… **Gags…** They're getting a little TOO friendly…_)

FRANK-N-FURTER (_CONT'D._)

Ooh, you're my kind of man, snuggle-bunny…

DARTH VADER

_Christine… Christine…_ (_Snuggling with Frank-N-Furter… EW!_)

ERIK

_Christine…_ and I mean, the REAL Christine, get out here NOW! This is getting a little TOO freaky!

(_CRYSTAL: Suddenly, Christine bursts through the roof door, still holding Raoul by his collar. Foppy's got a bloody nose, split lip, and black eye from his rendezvous up the down escalator. He looks as if he got into a fight with it… and lost… DRASTICALLY. SAMARA: Haha! Christine looks pissed off as hell!_)

CHRISTINE (_Huffing and puffing, and as red as her cape._)

You are NOT going to ruin MY song!

FRANK-N-FURTER (_High-pitched screech._)

AHHH!

DARTH VADER (_Lets go of Frank-N-Furter._)

Haw-per… AHHH! Haw-per…

(_SAMARA: Christine throws the rose and drops Fop--_)

RAOUL

OW.

(_SAMARA: --and chases Frank-N-Furter and Vader around the rooftop and shoves them both off. Wow… she's REALLY pissed. CRYSTAL & GEOFF: Uh-huh…_)

JOEL (_To himself._)

Damn it, she's back… (_Sighs; to Christine._) How's your voice Christine?

CHRISTINE

Better.

ERIK

Wow… remind me not to piss her off.

(_CRYSTAL, SAMARA, GEOFF: Don't piss her off._)

ERIK

Thanks.

(_CRYSTAL: Not to mention, her hair is now magically and mysteriously tied up perfectly… **A little disturbed.** There's something VERY, uh, weird about her hair._)

ERIK

Tell me about it. (_Also disturbed._)

CHRISTINE

Okay, come one, Raoul. Let's go. (_Helps him stand up._)

RAOUL

Okay. (_Dusts himself off._) _No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears. I'm here--_

CHRISTINE

Oh, whoop-dee-fucking-do…

RAOUL

_--nothing can harm you--my words will warm and calm you._

CHRISTINE

Really? 'Cause they're not doing anything yet.

RAOUL

_Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears. _(_Wipes away Christine's nonexistent tears._) _I'm here--_

CHRISTINE

Yeah, we've already established that.

RAOUL

Look, can I sing here?

CHRISTINE (_Sighs._)

Fine. Go ahead.

RAOUL

Thanks. _--with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you…_

CHRISTINE

Yeah, "guard and guide me"… I'm the one who saved you from the down escalator of death a few minutes ago. (_Sighs._) _Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime… Say you need me with you, now and always… Promise me that all you say is true--that's all I ask of you._

RAOUL (_Holds her close._)

_Let me be your shelter, let me be your light._

CHRISTINE

You never said what I told you to say.

RAOUL

Later.

CHRISTINE

No, NOW!

(_SAMARA: Raoul thinks, then pulls out a Sharpie clicky-marker, clicks it, and shows it to Christine. CRYSTAL: Her eyes light up and she inhales… DEEPLY._)

ERIK

Whoa, how'd Fop find out about that?

(_CRYSTAL: I don't know._)

ERIK

There goes another source of control over Christine…

CHRISTINE (_Dazed; CONT'D._)

I love you, Raoul.

RAOUL

I love you, too, darling. _You're safe: no one will find you--your fears are far behind you…_

(_SAMARA: Quote time: "The lovers move perilously close to the edge of the roof." CRYSTAL: Hehe… What? I didn't laugh evilly… Hehe…_)

CHRISTINE (_Still dazed, walking away from Raoul._)

_All I want is freedom, a world with no more night… _(_Turns to him, swaying slightly._) _…and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me…_

(_CRYSTAL: "A shadow. Perhaps the Phantom will send them to their deaths?"_)

ERIK (_To Crystal._)

Trust me, I'm contemplating it. (_Depression._)

(_CRYSTAL: Awww…_)

RAOUL

_Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime… let me lead you from your solitude…_

ERIK

The girl has two guys in their thirties chasing after her… I don't think SHE'S the one living in solitude.

(_CRYSTAL: Yeah, seriously._)

RAOUL

_Say you need me with you here, beside you… anywhere you go… Let me go too--Christine, that's all I ask of you…_

(_SAMARA: Raoul holds her and squeezes her tightly. CRYSTAL: Christine gasps… for air._)

CHRISTINE (_Quietly._)

Raoul?

RAOUL

Yes, my love?

CHRISTINE

Air.

RAOUL (_Lets go, but holds her lightly._)

Sorry.

CHRISTINE (_Breathes normally._)

It's okay. _Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime… Say the word, and I will follow you…_

RAOUL

That's right--me.

CHRISTINE (_Dazedness clearing up._)

Don't start.

RAOUL

Sorry.

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

_Share each day with me, each night, each morning…_

CHRISTINE (_Turns to Raoul; CONT'D._)

_Say you love me…_

RAOUL

_You know I do…_

CHRISTINE

Riiight…

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

_Love me--That's all I ask of you…_

(_SAMARA: AWWW! They kiss! CRYSTAL: Awww… my poor, poor Erik… so sad… **Tears…** "The Phantom is watching, heartbroken." That is, until--_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

OW!

(_CRYSTAL: --Foppy blindly, literally, in the midst of twirling Christine around, collides her with the stone statue! Erik rolls his eyes, and honestly, is having a hard time holding in his laughter._)

RAOUL

Oops… fuck. Sorry, Christine.

CHRISTINE (_Dazed, now on the ground._)

Talk about being "stoned." (_Fop helps her up._)

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

_Anywhere you go, let me go too… Love me--that's all I ask of you…_

(_SAMARA: They kiss again. GEOFF: **Snore…** CRYSTAL: However, Christine notices something as she embraces him… there seems to be a big bulge in Raoul's pocket… SAMARA: **Thinking… bad thoughts…** CRYSTAL--**Sees the look on Samara's face…**: NO! Not like THAT, Sammi! SAMARA--**Snaps out.**: Oh. Then… like what? CRYSTAL: Keep watching and we'll find out!_)

CHRISTINE

What the _CROAK_--excuse me--is that?

RAOUL (_Trying to hide it._)

Oh! Heh… nothing.

CHRISTINE

Yeah, right.

(_CRYSTAL: She swiftly reaches into his pocket and pulls out-- SAMARA: GASP! GEOFF: Huh? CRYSTAL: --CHRISTINE'S MISSING STOCKINGS! Christine gasps!_)

ERIK

SEE? I told you I didn't rape her!

(_CRYSTAL: I never doubted you… but FOPPY? SAMARA: **Still in shock.** GEOFF: **Still confused.** CRYSTAL--**Still narrating for others.**:In utter disbelief, Christine slaps Raoul across the face and storms towards the door._)

CHRISTINE

_I must go--they'll wonder where I am… _(_Begins to leave._)

RAOUL

Don't you want me to come with you?

CHRISTINE (_Holds up stockings._)

After THIS?

RAOUL (_Following._)

_Christine, I love you!_

CHRISTINE

Oh, fine, then! (_Thinks to herself._) You better love me! (_Aloud._) _Come with me, Raoul! Order your fine horses! Be with them at the door!_

RAOUL

_And soon you'll be beside me!_

CHRISTINE

_You'll guard me, and you'll guide me…_

(_SAMARA: They disappear back inside the opera house, when--CRASH, BANG, CLATTER, KABOOM, CLINK, CRUSH, CAN'T-THINK-OF-ANYMORE-NOISE-WORDS! Can you take a guess?_)

CHRISTINE (_CONT'D._)

Raoul, you fopping asshole…

(_CRYSTAL: He fell straight down the iron staircase. Hm. Anyway, Erik emerges from behind a statue and picks up the rose that Christine threw in her mad fit of rage. He looks so sad… awww…_)

ERIK (_Very quiet and plaintive._)

_I gave you my music… made your song take wing… _even though your stupid ass used the fucking throat spray… _And now, how you've repaid me: denied me and betrayed me… _gone and left with Fop-Boy…_ He was bound to love you when he heard you sing… Christine… _(_Sobs._)

CHRISTINE (_Off-stage._)

What?

ERIK

Bitch!

CHRISTINE

Oh, that's it! It's on, now!

CHRISTINE & RAOUL (_Off-stage, in an attempt to make Erik jealous._)

_Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime… Say the word, and I will follow you… _(_Erik crushes the rose in his hand._)

ERIK

Ow! That was a thorn!

(_CRYSTAL: Aw, my poor Erik… are you okay?_)

ERIK (_CONT'D._)

Yes, I'm fine. Thank you. At least someone cares about me… unlike Madame Foppy…

(_CRYSTAL: Lanky bitch…_)

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

_Share each day with me, each night, each morning…_

ERIK

All right, I get it already! Stop rubbing it in! (_To himself._) Stupid Fop… Lanky Bitch… (_Furiously, runs and climbs up statue. Aloud._) _You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you…!_

(_GEOFF: The camera pulls away, higher and higher, then drops… to the ground below… breaking once it collides with the concrete. "Fade to black," HA!_)

JOEL

Damn it… I lose more cameras that way.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A/N: SIR FOPPY STRIKES AGAIN! LMAO! Anyway, sorry for such a long wait, mates… My writing muse was on such a role in the first five chaps that, I guess, I sort of ran out of steam. Hey, but luckily, I'M BACK! Hehe, anyway, **_THANKS_**: **AXIE**: What can I say? I love you! **COURTENAY**: REALLY? "Best one yet"? And to think, I thought it sucked:P! Thanks! **DEZZ & MR. POOCH**: I have to thank you guys, because if it weren't for you guys updating your Phic, I would've NEVER picked up my pencil today to write this chappy! THANKS SOOO MUCH! I NEEDED IT! **ERIK'S SHADOW**: YES FOR GERRY ERIK! AW! PUPPY DOG EYES ERIK! SOOOOO CUTE! **KITTI**: Thanks sooo much, Tiff! So much love! **LAUREN**: Ha, ha, ha! BTW, the "shushing" part is kind of a tribute to my wonderful theatre teacher, Mrs. McCollaum! Oh, and I'll TRY to fit that song in, Laur, LOL, ;)! **MISS CHRISTINE DAAE**: Hehehe, good stuff! Thanks! **PHANTOM OF ERIK'S PAST**: Hehe, updated! Your wish is my command! **VARADROVIA**: LMFAO! Sorry for skipping the mooning part! I know, it was harsh! But thanks for loving it:D! Hey, how'd everyone like Foppy with Christine's stockings? Hehe, I'd tell you how he got them, but alas… even I do not know such details, LOL… however, I'm not so sure we REALLY want to know, ;P! Okay, I'm getting down to the neck of the line here--only four chappies left to write:'(. Oh, well. 110percent all the way!

Cheers.

Your obedient servant,

--Crystal Phantasy

PS: Hey, guys! In case you haven't noticed yet, I have started a new story: "_Unending Night_." It's not a parody--sorry to say--but a PotO-based romantic drama (EOW, keep in mind, just in case that's not your thing…). So, if you're interested, check it out! Love yas! And THANKS AGAIN!


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